Firstly thanks to everyone who commented or PM'd me through some means after my last personal post. It's great to have a support team out there watching out for me. I know this post is long overdue. I have stalled at writing it a few times, partly because my thoughts and emotions are still changing, and partly because I am a bit afraid to go there. I have been doing OK. In fact I am actually feeling quite content with life in all other respects. Maybe there's a bit of 'head in the sand' going on, and life has been busy, with family members home from overseas, and my business is really taking off this last few weeks too. But, I need to sit down and write about this, and as today is the anniversary of the miscarriage of BB2, it seems only fitting that I dedicate a bit of time to this topic now.
Initially, once I knew it was all over and that our last attempt had failed I was quite accepting of it. Just to have an answer and know the future was a huge relief. To not have to take loads of supplements each morning, or worry about having a second cup of coffee. To be able to do some exercise without worrying that I might jiggle the egg off (silly I know, but I am not the only one that worries about these things!). The pressure had been released.
I became much more present with BB too. Rather than being distracted with what may or may not be, I relished in his games. "Mummy, roll" was one of them, where I had to roll on the floor (he has just got into rolling big time!). Each time I rolled I thought about how I couldn't do this if I was pregnant. Sometimes I wonder if he has a sixth sense that makes him do these things too, like he knew that rolling on the floor was what I really needed at that time.
Within a few days, the fact that I felt so much better made me feel like I could do this. Whereas for the last couple of months I have been really thinking that I can't, that my body is too old and can't take it, that I am not always the best Mum to one, how could I ever cope with two. Suddenly with all the pressure off I felt like a capable person again, like I could do this, that I am pretty damn good at this Mum thing most of the time, and maybe I'm not done after all.
Then I started to think that perhaps we shouldn't give up yet, and that what we should have done is have a break a couple of months ago rather than give up completely. I was really sad and emotional there for a few days as I felt like I had been really weak, lacking endurance. Like I hadn't tried hard enough. Most people have more attempts than us, lots of people get help with the process. We just gave in. I felt guilty, BB doesn't deserve to be alone with three odd parents. And I have always thought there would be two. There should be two!
So I started to really think about why I didn't get pregnant, and what I could do about that now. Firstly I am convinced from all the temperatures and hormone checks and other signs that I am ovulating regularly. Hormonally I think it's all OK. I am fairly sure I could get pregnant. I think the reason that I didn't is all in my head. I have a fear that my body will fail me. It sounds daft I know but I am worried that my body can't hold the baby, that it will fall out! I suppose that's not so unusual a thought considering the miscarriage, but it's not entirely rational either. I also worried about other parts of my body, like could my heart stand the strain, I felt I wasn't as fit as I was before I had BB, just because I haven't been jogging or swimming as often.
That said, I haven't smoked for 3 years, I have drunk less alcohol too, and recently the change in my diet has greatly improved my health. I am also more active on a daily basis chasing a toddler, rather than sitting on my butt and then exercising a few times a week - perhaps I am just as fit, if not fitter now.
It was also getting to be a bind for DD. He made it clear that he'd had enough of it when we put the time limit of the end of August on the whole process. He was travelling here after work when necessary, which is very draining I know as I travelled to his when we were trying for BB. He also has a partner to consider, a partner who, incidentally, is an only child and very happy with that and so can't understand what the fuss of needing a sibling is all about anyway! This is a handy perspective to have in our mix right now.
A few months ago I did get a referral from my GP to go to a fertility specialist, but when it came down to it they wouldn't see me with out my 'partner', so that became a no go. I think I just need someone to tell me that it would be OK and that my body is all in order and it could do it. I have contacted a couple of private clinics to see if they can help. I have been offered an appointment with a specialist in recurrent miscarriages (not my issue, which I did mention, but they said this was the man), for around £300. I figure if I chose the clinic where DD donated then I could (with his permission of course) possibly give it a try. That would cost up to £4000 a go...
I have to talk about it all with DD this weekend. I am not making any rash decisions either, as my thoughts have changed so much in the last couple of weeks I think its only wise to wait and see where they go next. I am also really happy with my life right now. Do I want to upset that balance?
Is it just that a bit of my identity, the bit that is TTC has gone, and that I am not used to that yet?
Am I just thinking that I might try again to stop myself from having to accept that it is all over?
Pin It Now!