Friday, July 10, 2015

I've had better days

It's 3.30am. I am sitting on a cushion on the lounge floor next to a puking child, and actually feeling a bit sick myself too. We are on cushions on the floor because the sofa went to the dump last week. Our house is almost packed up in boxes. I haven't slept a wink yet tonight and I doubt its going to happen now. So I may as well write.

I had a phone call from the clinic on Tuesday saying that they had retrieved 7 eggs and that transfer would therefor either be Friday or Sunday. Friday if less than 7 eggs fertilized, but the possibility of doing a 5 day transfer if they all did. On Wednesday they called again - only 3 embryos, so a 3 day transfer on Friday. I booked flights and a hotel. BB was going to stay with his dad. Thursday morning, we were all packed and ready to go and I get a call saying that there is only one embryo left and it isn't looking good. The embryologist recommends waiting until Sunday to see what happens, but the clinic offer to do a 3 day transfer if I want. I don't want! I don't think I want a 5 day one either. They are telling me that I could still get pregnant even though it hasn't developed properly. Not very reassuring. I don't want to transfer a sick embryo and miscarry again.

They did originally tell me that if I didn't have 1 or 2 good embryos by Friday I could do the whole cycle again with new donors free of charge. But now it has come to it they don't seem so keen. They are saying if it makes it to day 5 I have to do the transfer. I don't think I do have to, and I am actually hoping it wont come to that.

Maybe I have now had enough indicators that I am destined to be the mum of just one. At the moment I just want to get off the drugs and get back to normal. I guess I should try another cycle if I get the chance though.

Having spent a lot of energy persuading a sobbing BB that spending a night at Daddy's house without Mummy would be fun, it seems I finally convinced him. He was disappointed that he wasn't going to see his daddy and that he wasn't going to stay there alone. Our bags were packed and so I thought we could go anyway. We could have a day in London and then I would be ready if I do need to go on Saturday for a Sunday transfer. It would be the same weekend as planned, but in reverse.

So we texted DD to say we were coming and set off. We were about 2/3 of the way there when he sent a message to say they weren't really prepared for adult guests... Hmm... what to do? BB was very disappointed again. It was hard to know what to say to him so in the end I said that Daddy wasn't expecting Mummy just BB so I thought we should go home. His idea was that i should just drop him off at Daddy's house and then go home. Hmm - so my powers of persuasion must have worked. I thought about it, but decided it wasn't really worth the disruption to DD's work and that we might need him another day, so we turned around and came home.  4 1/2 hours and 150 miles to go nowhere!

On the way home I decided to treat myself to a bottle of wine. I got home only to remember that I gave all the wine glasses to the charity shop. Then I discovered I had bought one of those rare bottles with a cork, and remembered that there was a little space in a box the other day that I dropped things like a corkscrew into (on that note I am fed up already with our stuff being in boxes, and so is BB. I want to be in our new house with everything sorted). So, anyway, no wine for me.

Lucky really as now I have a puking child. At least he's learnt to use the sick bowl.

I definitely feel a bit sick myself too. I wonder if its all in my head or real...

Ah well... lets see what the next few days brings.

One would hope things are going get better!

Monday, July 6, 2015

Family Photo Shoot

just because its been a while since I posted any photos of us, here's a few we took last weekend. The ones of me by myself were taken by BB.

I'm getting used to my blonde hair now too. I like that it matches BB's.

Sunday, July 5, 2015

New House

Its been a month since I wrote a personal update so I thought it was about time. Heaps has happened but there has been so little time to blog.

Regarding the move things are coming along well. We actually have a place to move to now which is awesome. Some friends of ours just bought a new house and will be moving out of their old place just a few weeks before we arrive. They have very generously offered to rent it to us, so that we have place to stay for the first few weeks whilst we look around and decide where we want to live. We can even buy that same house if we wish to, so it's a try before you buy situation really. Their house isn't where I thought I wanted to live, and has one bedroom less than I thought I wanted, but actually when you look at it, it is quite well located, and there is a huge extra room that we could use as an office / playroom/ work room and also use a spare bedroom with the simple addition of a sofa bed. It has views over parkland to the town, is close to a really good (but large) primary school, close to a great grocery store, close to sports facilities... It looks lovely from the photos they have sent. They have renovated quite a lot, but there are still a few things to do, like the bathroom, so I still get to make my mark on the place. They have created some great outdoor spaces with kids in mind, and there is space for a veggie patch, chickens, fruit trees...

Some days when I think about it, I think we will probably just stay there. It is nice and close to everything. But then other days I think of the little school and community that I did have in mind. I did have doubts about that area too though, as there's no grocery store, and a drive of 10km or so to all facilities. Not so bad now perhaps, though I do like to be able to just 'nip to the shop' on foot rather than having to drive. In the long term it could be annoying for BB when he wants to go and do stuff himself. So there's pros and cons to both. I guess we just have to wait and see how it is once we arrive, but I get the feeling that once we are settled in the new space we might not want to move again.

Quite a lot of our stuff is packed already. We seem to be taking a lot. More than I anticipated. But when you work out what I paid for things, what I could sell them for here and what it would cost me to buy them back there, it is actually cheaper to ship what we already have. I am also taking a lot of BB's toys. It's great now that we have a place to live already as if we get our things shipped from here in the next couple of weeks, they will arrive around the same time we do. I figure it will help BB to settle into our new space if his toys and other familiar items are there - it will feel more like home.

He seems to be coping with the whole moving issue really well too. He has the occasional moment when he says he wants to stay here because he will miss various things and people, but mostly he seems excited to be going. He's looking forward to seeing his friend G, to living by the sea, to having a bigger garden and more sunshine.  So am I.

On the IVF front, part of the rush to get stuff packed up here is because I want to get all the heavy lifting done before that, so that I can relax and give little emby the best chance possible of sticking around. I think it's all coming together nicely. We are just waiting on egg retrieval from the donor at the moment. It could have been at the end of last week or the beginning of tis coming one. I heard nothing on Friday so I am guessing it will be the start of this week. That gives me a couple more days when BB is at nursery to get things finished off here, so the timing is perfect really.

I haven't blogged much about the whole process. I think I am doing that deliberately. I find it incredible that a woman who I can never meet or know is currently going through the process of donating eggs for me. What a truly amazing and selfless act. Something I would never have even thought of doing when I was younger. When I really think about that her generosity overwhelms me.

As far as I am going physically, I had an injection to halt my own natural functions and for the last 3 weeks or so I've been on 4 mg oestrogen daily.  It has its side effects - I am not enjoying it. My legs ache and I am retaining fluid. I had a scan almost two weeks ago that confirmed I am ready - now we are just waiting on the eggs. I think I am more tired than usual, but then its hard to tell really - I am spending my days packing and lifting and moving heavy boxes around - that will be having an impact on my energy levels and aches and pains too.

Psychologically I am pleased to have the packing and sorting to focus on rather than dwelling on the what ifs about the IVF. I just do what needs doing each day, with the goal of getting all the heavy work done before transfer and this is doing a great job of keeping me sane. I have found myself wondering what I will do if it doesn't work, can I ship my frozen embryo's to Oz and carry on? I don't know, I think I would look into it though. But fingers crossed I wont have to ponder that.

Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Gruffalo Party Packs to the rescue

You may have noticed I haven't been blogging much lately. The reason for that is that I am in the midst of going through every single item in our house and deciding if we should ship it, sell it, give it away or dump it. The idea of organising a 4 year old's birthday party amidst all of that is somewhat overwhelming.

All of BB's parties so far have been small affairs, a few of his friends gathered in our garden to play and eat. Balloons, bunting and birthday cake - that's all you need, right? I've prided myself on the simplicity. But our house is not in a fit state to welcome guests, we may not even have a house at all by the time the birthday comes around. Also, I feel like we should have a bigger party, a chance to get together with all the friends who have been a part of BB's first four years, before we leave the country.

Believe me though, I have lost sleep over this - just how am I going to do it all. As if in answer to my question, I then received an email from a party bags and supplies company who wondered if I would like to take a look at one of their party packs and write a review. YES PLEASE!

The website has loads to choose from and it took me a while to choose. I wanted something well known and gender neutral, and so finally settled on The Gruffalo . The box arrived a week ago and I have been waiting all week to open it. BB is at nursery this morning so I finally got to take a peek. Inside are eight ready packed party bags, eight cups, eight plates, eight napkins and a table cloth.  The party bags are good: - something to make, something to make noise, a finger puppet, a wiggly snake and of course some chocolate.

Gruffalo Party Pack

The table settings look great too. 

Gruffalo Party Pack
Gruffalo Party PackGruffalo Party PackGruffalo Party Pack

Typically the pack I chose is one of the more expensive, but actually, even this only works out at £3.55 per person, which when you add up the cost and the hassle of sourcing all of these things individually, makes them quite a bargain. In fact I like it so much I am ordering more so that everyone at the party has the same.

And now I am totally into this idea of outsourcing everything...

... so, in addition, we have a lovely local bakery that are doing the food and the cake, and a party shop that is charging me a small fortune for some helium filled balloons. I don't think BB will ever have a party that's this flash again, but despite my previous opinions on keeping children parties simple, I can totally see why busy parents choose to do it this way. More expensive than a home party of course, but simpler in so many ways.

Disclaimer: The Gruffalo Party Pack was sent to me free of charge for the purposes of this review. I have not been paid to write this and all of the views are my own

Thursday, June 4, 2015

We Have Direction

Finally I have decided where we are going. Now that I am sure I laugh at myself, as it's what I have been saying all along. I think I just had to be really sure, by tormenting myself with all the other possible options. I love the Sunshine Coast, I love my friend who lives there, I love that it is closer to most things in Australia, I love that the Vipassana Centre is there. But its not me.

Mostly because it's a busy place. I really want to live by the sea, and being by the sea there would be manic, so I would retreat to the hinterland and hide away. Nice for a couple of weeks holiday now and again, but not for a lifetime. I just don't think it would be healthy for me mentally in the long term. I thrive in wide open spaces.

Western Australia is the place I fell in love with. It's vast, open, stunningly beautiful, and massively underpopulated. It is my Australia home, it's where I belong. Albany has all the things I said I wanted all along, the ocean, the views, the right size town to have everything you need, but not too big, access along the coast each way for holidays and camping, the city within reach, a climate that allows you to be outdoors all year round, and the vast, wide open, energising space that I love. I do have a lot of friends in the state too. Now that I have decided, I can't believe I have tormented myself so much about this when I knew all along. It's the distance from everything else, and my friends in the east in that gave me the dilemma. I think I just had to really test myself and my feelings - it is a big decision after all.

Anyway - now that I know where I am going it feels good.

I have started packing. I'm not really sure when our house sale will complete. Some time in July I expect, but to make this time in my life just a little more crazy I have also begun IVF treatment. In case you missed a previous post I have decided to go for double donor IVF. In Spain. If all goes to plan I could be having my first embryo transfer in about three weeks. That gives me three possible tries before we leave the country. I promise that if it doesn't work in that time I will give up and get a dog instead.

The time schedule does however mean that I really want to get the entire contents of our house either packed sold or given away within the next couple of weeks, so that I am not lugging around furniture and boxes of books etc after the transfer. The house looks like a bomb site. I keep thinking that soon it is going to look better - so many loads have gone to the charity shop already, and a bed and a wardrobe have already gone to new homes... but it just seems to look fuller as I turn out more things for sorting. Ah well

So, busy times ahead - then hopefully plenty of time to relax and enjoy time with family and friends in the UK before we head off.