Sunday, September 15, 2013

Update on "The Last Attempt" at TTC

The last attempt has been an emotional one, to say the least.  I thought I was ready for it. In fact I thought I had already accepted it, but apparently not.

I started testing at 8dpo in the same headless chook fashion as always. I gave up at 11 dpo as I tested +ve on that day with both BB and the baby I miscarried so I thought that if it was possible that I am pregnant I would know by now...

But then the nausea set in.

How cruel is that?

Nausea and BFN all at once!

I thought I was ready for this outcome, but on Wednesday night, as I took BB upstairs for a bath and we were playing a silly, kissing feet game, I burst into tears. I had period pains, and for an expicit moment knew that this was the only time I ever had to experience kissing the toes of my 2 year old as they ascended the stairs. We met up with a friend on Thursday that we know form antenatal classes. Her little one was due on the same day as BB, but arrived 2 days later. She is now 17 weeks pregnant with No 2. One of her first questions to me was about "How it's going, TTC No 2? "  I found myself blubbing in public immediately not that I w=am sad that she asked, I am pleased she did - no one else dare!

But, it's all gone! It's over. TTC, as hard as it is, is no more! I can't help but think that this would be so much easier if I were in a conventional relationship and it could happen "by accident" at a later date, after we have "given up"- but I don't even have that to console me.

Having said all that, in some ways I am not sad. I don't have to be pregnant, or give birth - both of which are a bit of a relief. I don't have to worry about putting my aged body through such traumas, or about how it is going to affect BB when I am incapacitated by my bulk. It was great at the soft play centre on Thursday to be able to play with my child, rather than sit in a pregnant heap - in fact I got quite a work out! We had fun!

There were sad moments too though. For a brief time at the weekend we were carers for his friend L while her mummy went to a party with her big brother. L's car seat was installed in the back of our car and she came for a ride. BB loved her being there and when we dropped her back at her house he was sad, and all the way home was calling to get her back. He would love a sibling, there is no doubt about that. Most of my sadness comes from the fact that I cant give him that.

We are now 13 dpo and still BFN. It's not going to happen. I have spent the evening sorting out maternity clothes to sell online along with all the other stuff I am selling at the moment. I think having a good clear out is an essential part of moving on.

I have no doubt that I am done with getting pregnant, but the baby things can wait a while. Fostering or adopting is still on the cards -I don't think I'm done with motherhood yet, even if it is going to be harder to achieve than I anticipated.

I keep imagining a girl, who is older than BB, being a part of our family. It would be great if we could adopt or foster someone in need of a home and family, and I know I have the skills to work with young girls with troubled family situations...

...but most fostering and adoption agencies don't like that scenario - they like you have a child younger than your own, for a reason I am not quite convinced by.

There are advantages to having just one child by his self too, I can see that, but I just can't see it in our future.

We will see what occurs...



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8 comments:

  1. Sorry for the BFN- emotional at any time, but definitely more so when you are looking at the end of TTC. Take some time to grieve that dream as you clear out what you need to. Explore other options when *you* are ready. Your family is wonderful as it is but I am sure that whatever choice you make will right for you. Lots of hugs!

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  2. I am so very sorry...it hurts knowing you won't be pregnant again. Do really allow yourself to grieve. Even having what I feel is the perfect little family & situation, I am still sad I won't have more children, experience pregnancy again or give Elena a sibling. I have to constantly list all the positives & benefits to myself so I remember how this is the best for us.

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  3. I'm so sorry for the bfn. All I can offer is Internet hugs! I hope you can get that older girl for BB, that sounds like a really nice combination.

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  4. Thanks. I am actually feeling quite good. In many ways it is a relief to know that I am not going to putting myself through that emotional turmoil every month. It is hard work as you know. And I do have BB, which makes me a very lucky woman indeed! Fostering an older child is still an option, but not until BB starts school I don't think. I am looking forward to enjoying the next two years of just him and me.

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  5. Thanks. Yes there are lots of positives. I have been quite surprised at how easy it is for me to see them, in everything really. BB is into rolling over and over on the floor at the moment, and says "Mummy roll" at which point I do as he says and we roll on the floor together. It is joyful and something I couldn't do with a pregnant belly. I am feeling so much more 'present' with him these last few days. It's good to have let go of trying.

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  6. Thanks - internet hugs are amazing. I am so grateful to all you guys out there that do read and support me through all these emotions trials and tribulations - it would be so different without all my virtual friends. I do really think an older girl will be awesome too.

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  7. I'm so sorry that this cycle was a bust as well...but I do love that you've been able to focus on the good things about not having another pregnancy. Hoping your dream of a little girl comes true!

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