I started testing at 8dpo in the same headless chook fashion as always. I gave up at 11 dpo as I tested +ve on that day with both BB and the baby I miscarried so I thought that if it was possible that I am pregnant I would know by now...
How cruel is that?
Nausea and BFN all at once!
I thought I was ready for this outcome, but on Wednesday night, as I took BB upstairs for a bath and we were playing a silly, kissing feet game, I burst into tears. I had period pains, and for an expicit moment knew that this was the only time I ever had to experience kissing the toes of my 2 year old as they ascended the stairs. We met up with a friend on Thursday that we know form antenatal classes. Her little one was due on the same day as BB, but arrived 2 days later. She is now 17 weeks pregnant with No 2. One of her first questions to me was about "How it's going, TTC No 2? " I found myself blubbing in public immediately not that I w=am sad that she asked, I am pleased she did - no one else dare!
But, it's all gone! It's over. TTC, as hard as it is, is no more! I can't help but think that this would be so much easier if I were in a conventional relationship and it could happen "by accident" at a later date, after we have "given up"- but I don't even have that to console me.
Having said all that, in some ways I am not sad. I don't have to be pregnant, or give birth - both of which are a bit of a relief. I don't have to worry about putting my aged body through such traumas, or about how it is going to affect BB when I am incapacitated by my bulk. It was great at the soft play centre on Thursday to be able to play with my child, rather than sit in a pregnant heap - in fact I got quite a work out! We had fun!
There were sad moments too though. For a brief time at the weekend we were carers for his friend L while her mummy went to a party with her big brother. L's car seat was installed in the back of our car and she came for a ride. BB loved her being there and when we dropped her back at her house he was sad, and all the way home was calling to get her back. He would love a sibling, there is no doubt about that. Most of my sadness comes from the fact that I cant give him that.
We are now 13 dpo and still BFN. It's not going to happen. I have spent the evening sorting out maternity clothes to sell online along with all the other stuff I am selling at the moment. I think having a good clear out is an essential part of moving on.
I have no doubt that I am done with getting pregnant, but the baby things can wait a while. Fostering or adopting is still on the cards -I don't think I'm done with motherhood yet, even if it is going to be harder to achieve than I anticipated.
I keep imagining a girl, who is older than BB, being a part of our family. It would be great if we could adopt or foster someone in need of a home and family, and I know I have the skills to work with young girls with troubled family situations...
...but most fostering and adoption agencies don't like that scenario - they like you have a child younger than your own, for a reason I am not quite convinced by.
There are advantages to having just one child by his self too, I can see that, but I just can't see it in our future.
We will see what occurs...