Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Sad news

The sad news is that I think we have lost BB2.

On Monday night as I sat and wrote the last post, I had some cramps in my stomach. BB was off his food that day and didn't even have booby when he went to bed, so I figured that perhaps we both had some kind of bug.

Then when I went to bed that night I noticed some pinkish discharge. I never had that before with BB, but I know that spotting and even bleeding in pregnancy is normal so I wasn't crazily concerned. I googled a bit on my phone when I went to bed and was reassured. I woke up during the night and it was all clear, but then in the morning it was back.

I tried to get an appointment with the Doctor, but there was no appointments available until Thursday and so they told me contact the hospital. I rang and a midwife talked me through the symptoms, said she thought it would all be fine but booked me in for an ultrasound on Thursday just for peace of mind.

Gradually as the day went on the discharge went brown, then darker brown, then heavier. In the afternoon I had really bad cramps, like I was getting the worst period ever. I was pretty sure I knew what was coming.

BB had dinner and I bathed him, and put him to bed. Almost immediately afterwards I felt the need to rush to the loo. I gushed blood and large number of clots. It didn't stop. I was soaking a super high absorbency pad in just a couple of minutes. I rang out of hours care who told me to go straight to A&E. My sister came and babysat and my parents drove me to hospital. I continued to bleed profusely and pass huge lumps of what I assume was placenta for about 5 hours.

The tests all say that I am well, but the HCG levels were around 4000, which is the equivalent of about 5 weeks pregnant (I was 9 1/2). They wouldn't say that it could be that I had miscarried, even when I asked. They just said I need an ultrasound to determine what the situation is. When the bleeding slowed they send me home and said that they would call me the next morning (today) to go in for an ultrasound.

We got home in the early hours so I had a few hours sleep before BB woke up at 6am. Then I waited and waited for the phone call. Eventually at lunch time I rang the hospital to see what was happening, only to find out that the department that had promised to call me is closed on Wednesdays!

So, I still don't really know for sure, but I would be majorly astonished if I haven't miscarried. That HCG level and the amount of blood and clots etc that I have lost don't leave me with any hope at all. I still have the appointment for tomorrow that was made by the midwife, so I will go along to that and hopefully get some answers.

Meantime I am ok. I am feeling much better now that the cramping/contractions have stopped (I was quite uncomfortable for a few hours at the hospital) and the bleeding is now down to level of a normal period.

I am sad, very sad, as I was just starting to get used to the idea that I was really going to be lucky enough to have another baby.

I am mad, with the Obstetric Department of hospital for telling me that I would have an answer today when they knew they would be closed.

I am also OK. I am surprising myself with how rational, calm and matter of fact I can be about it.

Almost overwhelmingly I am so very glad to have BB. Without him this would be so much harder. He seems to be tuned in to the situation and is being very loving. He is amazing and I am very lucky mummy.

But I miss you BB2.




10 comments:

  1. Much love and strength to you. Is awful experience.

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  2. Oh no! So sorry for your loss. Glad you have baby #1 to comfort you :) Hugs from across the pond.

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  3. I am so very sorry to hear. Sending lots of love.

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  4. Oh no! :( I'm so sorry to hear that but hopefully tomorrow you'll get some more details and remember, when it comes to your body, ask as many questions to the medical staff as you need to.

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  5. I'm so, so sorry Emma, I know exactly how hard this is. However, there are no words that will make it better. Just know that I love you and grieve my lovely. Be gentle with yourself and heal now, hopefully there will be another time, but for now, go with the present. Hold BB tightly and remember we're all thinking of you. I'll come and see you next week. Will Wednesday work for you? xxxx

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  6. Oh my gosh. My heart hurts just seeing this. I'm so sorry. So sorry. I hate that you didn't get your answers today but I hope tomorrow you find out for sure. I'm thinking of you and BB.

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  7. I'm so sad for the news, Emma. Sending lots of love your way.

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  8. I'm so sad for you. So glad you have your BB. Thoughts are with you.

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  9. Oh no. I'm so sad to read this, and so very sorry for your loss. I know how hard this is. Sending you lots of love.

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