Due Dates, Death, Dying and lots of other $#!t

I know, this is not going to be a Blissful post, but...

Well, I have been reading lots recently about how we all make our online world seem better that our real world, which makes other people feel shit about their own life when they compare it to everyone's social profile and that could be leading to depression - especially amongst young people. I don't know if there's any research to back that up, and I can't be arsed to investigate that right now, but anyway - here's a post that means I won't make your life feel crap compared to mine.

I also want to get it out - this blog is for me after all, it's cathartic. I'm going to put it all in one post and then move on. I decided I would write it yesterday, as yesterday is when I should have sat down to write my Christmas letter. Seeing as I couldn't think of anything positive to say, I decided not to do a Christmas letter this year. Hopefully I will be able to do a new address card with a happier letter in a few months time.

So here goes.

Due date 

Yesterday would have been my due date - had I not miscarried at the end of May. Not really much more to say here. I'm doing OK on that really, I think I have accepted it. I have given up on my old eggs now so I will always have only one biological child. Adoption and fostering are still very much on the cards so this doesn't mean I will only ever be the Mum of one. I have seriously considered donor eggs and embryos too. I don't think I have any attachment to the need to be biologically /genetically related to my second child. I don't really feel the need to go through another pregnancy or birth either, but I would like BB to have a sibling and I do feel that there is room in our family for at least one more. Despite getting over the loss, I think the due dates for both of the babies I miscarried will always be in my mind as the dates come around each year. A time for reflection on what might have been and to acknowledge those little ones that I never had the chance to meet.


There has been much in the conversation about my own death. BB became aware of death in the summer, when everyone was talking about PP's mum who died. "What means died?" became a big question for him (I intend to blog about this in its own right some time). I have done all that I can to answer the questions sensitively and honestly. We have been to graveyards, I have bought books, we have brought the concept of impermanence into our daily lives. For a while he was saying "I wish you won't die" to me several times a day. Now it's down to a few times a week. I wish I won't die too. In fact, one of the things that has made me decide not to try and carry another child myself is the fact that I wish I won't die too. I am a bit old for that kind of thing, and not exactly the fittest person on this planet. I really don't want to depart this world prematurely and leave BB without a Mummy.

I have mentioned before that I have had problems with severe pain in my arms. The worst ever experience I had of this was just after my first miscarriage when I ended up having the paramedics come out to me. It had happened before and it has happened since. At the time of the severe episode it was put down to a trapped nerve. It never made sense though - the physio was a waste of time, he really didn't listen to what I had to say, and although his dodgy questionnaire that I had to complete would have made him look great, I always believed that the healing that occurred was happening despite his intervention, and not because of it. I still get episodes of chronic pain. Finally a few months ago my doctor decided that I really should see a neurologist. This I did a few weeks ago. He thinks I have brachial neuritis. This makes far more sense. Nearly everything he said rang true, whereas the trapped nerve/physio thing never did seem right. This theory accounts for episodes I experienced years ago in Alice Springs when the secretary form my work had to come and collect me from home and take me to hospital because I couldn't drive. It accounts for why I still have reduced sensation in my left hand. It accounts for why it occasionally occurs on my right side too. The more I read about it, the more I think his diagnosis is spot on.

What we don't know yet is what has caused it. There are several possibilities. Motorcycle accidents are one of the most common causes, and I did have one of those in Thailand in 1999 where I was hit by a truck. But, I think the effects would have been more immediate if that were the cause.

The presence of an auto-immune disease is another possible cause. This is the one that the neurologist believes is the cause in my case - it is known as idiopathic brachial neuritis, and essentially my immune system is attaching the myelin sheath of my nerves. This fits with the fact that altering my diet to a Paleo diet helped massively. It also fits with what I have learned since, which is that on the occasions when I decide to make bread using almond flour I still suffer - maybe even more than with wheat. I have read up a lot about the Auto Immune Protocol and I would say that avoiding many of the foods that are on AIP diet list seems to help - though I have never done it this strictly. I also asked the neurologist of he thought that moderation the diet could help and he almost laughed when he said no. I don't always believe what medically trained people say though - sometimes people that know about health are more helpful than those that have learned about medicine! So for now I am going with this theory. And once Christmas is over I am going to try and be better at this Paleo thing - without a doubt it has helped me when I have managed to stick to it.

Another possible cause is a brain tumour. Obviously this is not good news. However, the fact that I have had the symptoms on and off to varying degrees for nearly ten years makes me think this can not be the case. If it was brain tumour I probably wouldn't still be writing about it, would I?

Multiple Sclerosis is another possibility. Again not really an option I want to dwell on right now.

So, the next step is to have some MRI scans on both my brain and spinal cord to rule out cancer and MS - the date for that is 14th January. And it seems that auto immune disease is quite a good option here, and despite the neurologists opinion, I do believe I can help myself with diet if this is found to be the cause, so I am hopeful. Roll on January though.

DD has also been continuously bringing up the topic of my death. He wants me to change my will to make him BB's guardian when I die. I was considering it until recently. In fact I had planned to do it. But the fact that this actually could be a reality sooner rather than later has made me made me think seriously about it. What do I want for BB when I die? If I were to die tomorrow I would want his life to change as little as it possibly can. That means that my parents continue to be a big part of his life and that he still sees them regularly, and my sisters too. Also that he carries on doing the same things, going to nursery, swimming, seeing his friends. DD is also important of course - he sees him regularly, visiting every couple of weeks, and PP sees him occasionally too, maybe 3 or 4 times a year. I would want it all to stay the same, so that the loss of me would have minimal impact.

My youngest sister is currently recorded as the guardian in the event of my death, and having seen her and BB together recently I realised that this is still the right choice for now - he would easily adapt to her as a mother figure. She is the only person, other than me, that he asks for to dress him and bathe him. She is the only person, other than me, that he has said "I love you" to. If I am to die and she is to take my place, that will be the least possible change for BB. She is also a play therapist, so this would be great in helping BB to deal with the loss of his mother. It is in my will that my sister would maintain the contact with DD so that part of his life would not change either. Therefore my sister as guardian is still the best choice and I have decided not to change my will at this point in time. DD is not impressed!


My Nana is dying. She is 99. She has had a great life, most of it in good health. She lived in her own home until a few weeks ago. We moved her into a nursing home on my birthday at the beginning of November. Her dying is a humbling experience. It also very much by the book. This info about the journey towards death is remarkably accurate, as are many more things I have read. Just two weeks ago today she ate a meal, and gained the energy for her last journey into the physical realm. She wanted to go outside, and to take BB to see Santa (all in the grounds of her residential home). It was the first and last meal she has had in a while. They had a great time.

Now she seems to know her time has come. She is sleeping more and more. We still visit every day. Today she said very little, other than making some very quiet "choo choo" noises to BB, who is a lover of trains. It is beautiful that she can still play with him even at this time. He is lovely with her too - giving her kisses and stoking her knees. He always seems to know what is appropriate. He took the "Shopping Game" on the day that she ate and had a few hours of energy. Then jigsaws to be quiet. He made her a star, as we have talked about people coming from the stars and going back to the stars, He won't sing Twinkle Twinkle little star to her though "not today!!!" - he sings Jingle Bells instead. Perhaps he is saving Twinkle Twinkle for a more appropriate time.

It's hard to know how long she has. The doctor says days or weeks, but definitely not months. A few days ago when she could talk she said that she hopes she doesn't lay here for long, that she doesn't want to spoil our Christmas, and that she hopes she's gone before Father Christmas comes. The next day though she said "We will never forget this Christmas will we?", and "Are we having chicken for lunch?"

She has cancer. Ovarian cancer which has spread to her liver, kidneys and lungs. The mass is so big now that we have had to cut her underwear. She could have a biopsy and treatment but she says no. She has wondered for a while why she has not died yet. All her friends and family have. She is now very thin, wasting away, saying little and sleeping for most of the day. I think days not weeks, but I could be wrong.

I think she has now dealt with all the things she needs to. She has thanked the people in her life that have helped her and been her friends. She is comfortable. That's all we can hope for. But it's hard to witness.

The other $#!t

Firstly lets do work. I have been working for PP for over 2 years. I am on call pretty much 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and earn about £140 a month (before expenses - less than half that after), solving whatever problems have occurred. I do invoicing, record keeping, VAT returns, research etc etc, whatever he wants, whenever he wants. I really felt passionately about his business, I feel I worked harder on it than him. I identified areas where there were losses being made and suggested ways to make improvements. All were ignored. I have done much of the work without charging, the rest of it at a just breaking even price. I get items through US customs at 2 am, solve problems, track expenses, and throughout October got up at 3 am almost every day to get all the necessary work done on time when he changed accounting systems. I completely exhausted myself, and in all honesty the fact that the last few months have been so hard to deal with is probably related to the fact that I existed on 4 - 5 hours sleep a night for the whole month to get this job done. I was impressed with my achievements, but sadly the boss was not. Instead he wanted me to go and talk to him about how i could be more efficient!!!! I couldn't believe it.  I was the only fucking efficient thing in his whole damn business - but he didn't listen to any thing I said as to him it seems I am just a brain dead book keeper, a woman, a mother, and stupid. So I quit! To be nice I said I would carry on to the end of the year so that this years finances are done. I will continue into Jan too, just to finish off this years accounts, because I like things to be done properly and I recognise that he can not afford to pay someone else to waste time working it all out, but then I am done. I am counting the days.

In a way I am in a bit of a muddle having quit. I need to do 16 hours a week as a self employed person to continue to get my tax credits. However, this is averaged over a year, so I am confident that I have done enough already this financial year to see me through to April 5th. I have other lines of business too (BabyCalm & ToddlerCalm and writing). Hopefully I can build on those between now and April so that my hours are up ready for 2015. Both of those businesses are more profitable too, so I should earn more for my time overall. I am also keeping my eye out for other opportunities, and a couple of things are already in the pipeline so I think it will all work out for the best.

A few days after I got the email about the meeting on improving my efficiency I was supposed to go and visit DD and PP. In fact, that meeting was supposed to take place during my recreational visit. I had already decided that I had better not drive - I was so very exhausted from the lack of sleep and from all the emotions involved with helping my mum, arguing with my dad (see later) and moving my nan to a home, so we were going to go by train. In the interests of not telling PP to go and Fuck himself, I decided it best to cancel the visit entirely. Maintaining a good relationship with DD and PP is a priority for me. I did explain in my resignation, which I thought I worded quite nicely, that I thought it best to stop working together before it ruined our relationship.

In hindsight, I think the relationship with DD and PP was already in dire straits though. This was one of the things I was unsure about blogging about  -  it is kind of airing my dirty laundry online... but one of the reasons I blogged about this whole process was to help other women who might be considering using a known donor. I would be doing those readers making this decision a disservice if I wasn't honest about the issues that I am facing as a consequence of having used a known donor. At the end of September DD informed me that they had seen a lawyer together and that he had advised them that the law had changed since our agreement. He said that DD now had lots more rights, for example he could report me as a child smuggler if I took BB overseas without his permission, and that it would be in both our best interests if DD went on the birth certificate and started paying maintenance. Of course I looked this up to see what the changes were exactly and how they could affect me, and wether following this advice was indeed the best thing to do for BB and I. Despite consulting google, several online forums with women that had used sperm donors and legal forums,  I found that there was no change in the law at all. Either they were making it up just to scare me or the lawyer was covering his arse for getting it wrong when he advised them in the first place. The thing that was made clear though was that DD was no longer in agreement with our agreement. Also, whereas in the past it has felt very much like we were all a family and in this together, it is now very much DD and PP as a united front against me. DD even admitted this - apparently having a ring on your finger changes things (read in patronising tone)! I feel very alone and scared. Whilst I will happily say out loud that he is good at being Dad and I am pleased that BB has him in his life, I honestly think my advice to anyone considering using a known donor would now be that it would be much easier to go it alone. 

We can even go back before this. If you remember I was going to have IVF at a clinic. DD and PP had said no to any further attempts at TTC and I decided that it wasn't over for me. In consideration of DD, I decided to go to the clinic where DD had previously donated (less accessible for me and far more expense than a local clinic, but I wanted to keep the options open for them) just in case they changed their mind. DD did change his mind. I spent a few thousand pounds on tests and was all ready to go for IVF using his previous donations when he changed his mind - on the grounds that he could not go to court for the second child if we went through a clinic. That's why we decided to try again at home. I don't really know why I agreed to that looking back - it just wasted another year, and resulted in another miscarriage - but I want so much to be Mum to another child, for BB to have a sibling, and it would have been nice if they were full siblings, and DD is a good Dad...

Anyway, now he is very cross at me.  Apparently he thinks that being around me is like walking on eggshells. I tried to comprehend that but I can't see anything I have done that could make him feel like that, other than saying that I am sticking to our original agreement and being scared shitless as to what he is up to - why would they be having conversations like that with a lawyer? 

Then there is Christmas. Back in September DD sent me an email of the dates he was planning to be at my house, and these included Christmas. I actually think it would be nice for BB to have Christmas with his Dad, and whilst I was surprised that he wanted to be here I was happy to accommodate it. I hadn't mentioned it to my folks though, who we usually spend Christmas with. I guess I thought we could juggle it somehow, and still visit them for part of the day at least. Anyway - DD apparently told  my dad he would be at their house for Xmas. I was unaware of this whole conversation, but basically no one tells my Dad anything - not even me. Meanwhile my Mum was having a bit of a panic, my Nana is dying of cancer, who knows what xmas will be like, it might even be spent in a residential home, at best it would be veiled by the impending death. PP and DD usually have a much better time than that. Would they really want to be at my parents house? How could my parents accommodate them and ensure they have a good day, and be with Nana? PP spent a 'last Christmas' with his mum (who died of cancer) just 2 years ago. Did he really want to witness that again? 

Then DD suggested himself that perhaps this wasn't the best year for it. My parents were relieved and said yes, go and have a nice Christmas elsewhere. However, despite it being his idea not to come, DD is now having a big sook that he is not welcome and is blaming me. Apparently he is never coming to a family event with my family ever again because he is not wanted!  I couldn't even engage in the conversation, I have no energy left for it right now and there's no point until he gets the idea that it's not all about him! 


My relationship with my Dad has also been in dire straits - whilst all this was going on... My Dad has a heart issue and his tablets weren't working. He was stressing out. Meanwhile my Nana was still attempting to live at home but calling my mum out every day as she couldn't cope but didn't want "help".  My dad was moaning at my mum every time she went to help my Nan (her Mum)... and my poor Mum... she was just being pulled from pillar to post. I tried to help where I could, and stepped in to help find a nursing home for my Nan when it seemed necessary (this was in the middle of the month where I was working all hours for PP). There was a time when my dad hung up on me on the phone and then started saying things about me to my mum which were not true, but he hadn't actually hung up properly so I heard it all. I was really angry and made that clear - I thought he would never speak to me again... but he did! And he has new pills now so feels much better. And now he is better he is being really supportive to my mum too so thats good. And both my sisters have been home too.

Oh, and my house is on the market - apparently that is one of the most stressful things in life. Only because you have to keep your house clean and tidy and ready for visitors at all times whilst all this shit is going on! In comparison to everything else selling your house is a breeze!

It is going to get better. I am pleased that I stopped dyeing my hair and redirected the money to join the gym - without 3 yoga classes a week I am not sure where I would be mentally, but I can bet to would be in a worse space than it is now. I am doing OK really, despite it all.

So sorry for this unblissful post - but now its all out of my head I can move on. 

Hello, and thanks for stopping by. My name is Emma and I am a lifestyle entrepreneur, writer, teacher, coach and mentor. I am passionate about eating real food, learning, travel and health. I get to spend my days with my amazing son who has chosen to learn from the world rather than at school. We write to share the life we love and to help others create a life they love too.


  1. sent by PM...

    I can never get comments to work on your blog without registering and making an account with Disqus. Which I don't want to do. But if you have a dearth of comments, you might look into if others have the same issue.

    Anyway, I wanted to say that I'm glad you wrote an honest post. I didn't find it whiny or complaining or bitter. And I'm glad you were honest about DD, especially. Though I'm super sorry for you that he is being so difficult. It sounds like he is afraid you will move to Australia... and you are afraid he will sue you for rights.. lots of fear talking. not good for anyone.

    And I'm so sorry about your Nan. And that it's happening at this time of year, given that you are a Christmas celebrator. That's especially hard. I hope her passing is peaceful.

  2. Does anyone else have problems with Disqus - I goggles it and it seems some people do. I added it because i found it impossible to comment on blogger from an iPhone or iPad, which is what i always read blogs from and I found that incredibly annoying. That seems to have been fixed now though. I do get a lot less spammy posts with disqus - over a hundred some days go straight to junk. So interested to hear other people's thoughts on this too - did blogger get better at filtering out spam?

    1. And for a third time of trying to comment on my own blog without disqus - i have removed it for a trial period - but it doesn't seem to be working out for me very well so far!

  3. Pleased you didn't find the post whiny or bitter - i tried not to sound like that, but thats not always easy. I realise too that there are obviously things they are afraid of too - its hard. I see that sometimes DD is in the middle juggling us both, but then sometimes he puts me or PP in the middle too. A while ago he was encouraging me to go back to Australia. He actually wants to go back, his family are there, and he felt that if BB and I were there he would have more leverage to get PP to move - making it my fault. Now i decided not to go at the moment (for many reasons, my family being the main one, and the fact that we have established a life here, but also because DD and PP decided to buy a house here and make it their permanent home). DD also says it was PP asking the lawyer questions and not him. That may be true. He also said that he only told me about it to be honest and open, which I do appreciate. The thing that worried me really was that what he told me the lawyer said is not true - it made me wonder why he had said it. It felt like they were trying to scare me. But maybe their lawyer is just rubbish.

    I think the point I was trying to make that didn't come across clearly, was not so much to blame anyone, but to show just how difficult it is. The thing that I didn't fully consider when i entered into this was that there were two of them. I thought I was making an agreement with a sperm donor as an individual and I had everything covered. Reality is that there are three in this relationship - one of whom hasn't signed anything but who is obviously affected. And who has had a big part in what has occurred - calling things off from time to time, and consulting lawyers on how to control my future. I was an independent woman who decided to have a child by herself, but now I am one who's destiny is at the hands of a sperm donor and his husband. I joke about it, like what possessed me to think that having a baby with two men would be easier than having a baby with one man, but there is a lot of seriousness in there.

    So anyway, if you are considering this path, my advice would be to go through a clinic, buy the sperm, even if it is a known donor, freeze some eggs or embryos at the start. DD is a great dad and i don't regret that bit at all - but us a clinic. Giving away control of how many kids i can have, where i can live etc etc was a big big fuck up!

  4. Have fun! I have to miss it again this year for the same reason as the last: T's birthday. One of these years I will be able to go. Probably when she's 18 and doesn't want to celebrate her birthday with us anymore

    1. I think this post must have come from somewhere else... but we are still trialling no Disqus just to see

  5. I don't know what happened here, or if this will post. I wrote a long reply the other day and notice it didn't come up. So I'll try again. It was to say that I'm so sorry you're going through all this right now. Why is it these packages always seem to come at once to try us? I'm sad that your relationship with DD and PP are taking somewhat of a battering these days, but be strong in the fact that you are doing what is best for BB and yourself and that is what is important. I'm not really able to offer words of wisdom, in fact, I don't know that you want or need that as these things are happening to you and aren't 'other people's' therefore what I say won't help. However, although we've not had as much contact this year (that's what three kids and full time (bar an afternoon) work does - it makes you all but disappear except for stupid times of the day such as now...6.30am!! However, I miss you loads and would love to see you both. Our door is ALWAYS open for you if you want to de-stress or off load or have a beer with a fab free babysitter on hand (it's good having a 15 year old!) Huge love to you darling as you work through this part in your life right now. Sending some peaceful love to your sweet nana who is such an amazing lady going through all this as graciously as she is doing and to the rest of your family. This is hard shit my lovely and you are doing brilliantly. Call me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    1. I have the same issues with blogger comments - at least half of the comments I post on other people's blogger don't show up. I started saving them as a matter of course so I can paste - them back. Sometimes they still don't work. And on the app its even worse - the box is so pesky small you cant see what you are writing, and you can't edit. Thats why I changed to disqus, but that was just as bad for some people. I need to try something else perhaps - any ideas?

      As for all the shit thats going on... I think i would have been able to deal with the DD and PP thing a whole lot better at a different time. Its just that their united front showed up at a time when I was focussed on dealing with what was happening with Mum, who was getting more and more stressed and worried looking after my Nan and my Dad. The weekend of my Dad's 70th - the first family event my Nana was too sick to attend, DD told me about them seeing a lawyer and I put my house on the market. It was all downhill from there! Anyway - I think I am fairly close to the bottom now so it can only get better.

      I think DD will be good again. Just at the moment he sees all my actions and reactions as being directed at him. The weekend I was too sick, tired, stressed etc to go to their house for example. Rather than seeing it as that Emma must be in a really tough place right now, he thought it was an attack on him as he saw himself at the centre of it not me. My dad is a bit like that too. perhaps its a boy thing.

      Anyway, as I said - the only way is up!

      Thanks for the offer of coming to visit. I would really like to do that. I am hoping that next year we will have some weekends to ourselves so that we can do that. Much love to you.

      PS your xmas pressie was sent yesterday via myhermes - just a little one, and slightly odd perhaps, but I hope you like it xxxx

  6. You definitely have a lot on your plate lately. I can relate to BB questions about death. Having experienced a few family deaths this year, Elena has a lot of questions. I try to be as honest & straight forward as possible age appropriately. it's hard of course to help them understand. You say, "I would want it all to stay the same, so that the loss of me would have minimal impact." I know you're not underestimating your loss on BB but it sounds a little like that with this statement. If you were to pass, it would turn BBs world upside down, no matter how much his day to day life doesn't change. It definitely sounds like you sister would be the best place for him for sure tho. I have to change my will. When I had it drawn up, Elena was a baby & I thought my brother & his wife would play a bigger role in her life. Now almost 4 years later & they rarely see her. It hurts my heart to think if something happened to me that she would go there. She would be so lost. I really have to make that change soon.

    my heart goes out to you in regards to your Nana. Having experienced similar recently, I know how hard that it. Sending big hugs.

    1. Thanks Tiara. You have been through a lot recently death wise too - your blog about your Auntie Karen is one of the ones that I am referring to above - I kept trying to comment, but it just wouldn't let me. She sounded lovely and you wrote a beautiful tribute to her.

      Do you have someone in mind that would be a good guardian for Elena? I am pleased to have options, but I think my sister is still the best one.

      Meanwhile lets try not to die!

  7. I have thought long and hard about making comment to this post, seeing as it is almost a year ago since it was posted and our situation has changed. However, as there are people who read the blog, who I know, and this is just floating out in the ether, I wanted to put my side in way of balance.
    Emma is correct in saying that it is difficult having a known donor and that instead of one dad, she effectively got two. But the same applies in the other direction, I wanted to have a child, but what I didn't consider was the fact that someone else's decisions would affect my relationship. The difficult thing for me is controlling my own emotions. I was completely blown away by how much love I had for BB the moment he was born and the original proposal of visiting every couple of months, just wasn't going to be enough. As time went on, this just got stronger. My biggest fear is if something ever happened to Emma, that I would lose access to BB. Despite the fact that our agreement says that Emma's sister would continue to ensure visits, there is no guarentee that this would happen. Being gay, I have been pushed to the fringes in the past and this fuels my own fear of exclusion. This also links to my reaction at christmas. We wanted to come originally as we believed that it would be the last UK christmas for a while as there were talks of moving to Oz. I certainly did not know that no discussion had been held between family members, so when I was asked by Emma's dad what we were doing for christmas, I simply replied that I thought we would be altogether. I didn't think I was inviting myself or PP in, and I guess in hindsight I should have known better that some UK families are not like my own open to all invitees Australian family. But I thought after 3 years of knowing the family and sharing a child/grandchild that it wouldn't be an issue. When it was clear that we shouldn't go, I felt rejected. Once again, straight people telling me I was no good and not wanted. Its hard to switch that off. It also reinforced my fear that I would be ignored, should anything happen to Emma.
    To address the lawyer issue, we went to seek legal advice because we had just got married. We hadn't considered any legal ramifications of the agreement on PP because of the marriage. The initial advice given was that if PP and I had a civil partnership (which was the only option when the agreement was drawn up) then a financial claim could be made not only against me but also PP. We wanted to check if this was the same with a civil marriage - which it was not. The lawyer suggested that we would not need a post-nuptial agreement. Happy with this, he asked after BB and we talked. He suggested that as things were going well, perhaps I could suggest a greater contribution and some reassurance in the will. Obviously, I didn't relay this information well or consider the fact that it wasn't wanted.
    Finally, walking on eggshells. The meaning behind this is simple. As a dad who has to rely on the goodwill of someone else so I can see my son, you can not say everything you want. If you disagree with something or have your own opinion about something, you can't have the same frank discussion that possibly you would have if you were in a relationship. The fear you have is that you will be told, you can't see him anymore.
    It is a juggling act and I hope the future is easier. I am forever thankful though that Emma has let me share this experience with her, and that together we created an amazing little person. She is a great mum and BB is very wise to have choosed her from when he was in the stars.