Firstly the tests were great. Apparently my hormone levels are more typical of a 25 year old than a 42 year old, so that was excellent news.
Also, the weekend before the appointment I met with DD and PP to discuss whether they were interested in being involved or not - the answer was YES! Basically they decided that it was better for BB to have a full sibling, and that it would be better for us all if that's what happened. So, DD rang the clinic and gave permission for me to use his previous donation as a known donor.
Once I had the results for those fertility tests, there were other tests to do, mainly disease screening before I go ahead. The tests were different depending on whether I went for IUI or IVF. I have a limited budget as you know, and IVF is expensive, but it was generally agreed that at 42 it could well work out to be the cheapest option in the end. I discusses this with DD and he agreed I should go for that. He even offered to contribute financially - so I headed back to the clinic and all the blood tests.
The following day I got an email from DD saying that he had realised that if we went through the clinic he wouldn't have the same rights as he does with BB, and therefore he did not want to do it after all. The law in the UK is that as BB was conceived at home, DD is actually the legal father. However, the legal agreement that we have says that he "will not take any action at any time to establish that he is a legal parent or to assert his parental status (either through a declaration of parentage, an application for parental responsibility, an application for orders under section 8 of the Children Act 1989 or otherwise)" so he did effectively sign that away. However, this is an agreement, not Law. He could, if he felt like it, have his case heard as BB's parent in a court of law. If we go through a clinic, the court would turn him away.
This threw me a lot. When I mentioned the agreement to him, he said that he knew what he had signed, but things had changed.
I was floored. Here he is saying no, when 24 hours earlier he was so in he was prepared to contribute to the cost, and he had told his Mum the plan too. Now, the fact that he could not go to court was his deciding factor to pull out, and furthermore he was saying he no longer agreed with our agreement.
Suddenly another child was not in my thoughts anymore, I was scared for the one I have. I was so anxious that I even stopped producing milk for BB. I couldn't reply to his emails and I was totally dreading his visit. I have given him much more access to BB than our agreement says I should, so effectively I have made myself vulnerable, giving him more of a case against me. I was just a mess, for several days. I tied to reply to his email about 20 times but the words just didn't come out right.
He came to visit on Friday and we talked. Apparently his concern about being heard in court is for when I am dead and he wants the kids to live with him, but not before - this could be done in my will, indeed I have discussed that with him before, but he is still not happy about not being the legal father. He did convincingly tell me that he wouldn't ever try and take BB, and I know that his chances would be small if he did - but I just don't even want to go there or think about it. I just want us to be a happy family and carry on like we were.
We did discuss the possibility of trying again via AI at home. That would be a lot cheaper than IVF and he would still have the same rights as he does with BB. At some moments that seems like a good idea, indeed his next visit will be perfectly timed so that could be 'a sign'. At other times it seems crazy. I feel more secure going through the clinic, both for myself physically (there is not much monitoring of a pregnant woman normally and I am old - I am still scared that it will put my health in danger and affect BB), and now, even though I hadn't thought about it before this episode, I feel more secure legally.
So, now I am in limbo again.
AI at home with DD
IVF with an unknown donor
or be happy with just one?
Sometimes I wish I had just got pregnant by accident in my teens! It would have been so much easier!Pin It Now!