Wednesday, December 11, 2013

The Test Results - and ensuing saga

I have mixed news and mixed feelings following the results of my my fertility tests, what has happened since and therefore the options ahead. I started writing this post a few times, and then things changed… I think we have settled a bit now.

Firstly the tests were great. Apparently my hormone levels are more typical of a 25 year old than a 42 year old, so that was excellent news. 

Also, the weekend before the appointment I met with DD and PP to discuss whether they were interested in being involved or not - the answer was YES! Basically they decided that it was better for BB to have a full sibling, and that it would be better for us all if that's what happened. So, DD rang the clinic and gave permission for me to use his previous donation as a known donor.

Once I had the results for those fertility tests, there were other tests to do, mainly disease screening before I go ahead. The tests were different depending on whether I went for IUI or IVF. I have a limited budget as you know, and IVF is expensive, but it was generally agreed that at 42 it could well work out to be the cheapest option in the end. I discusses this with DD and he agreed I should go for that. He even offered to contribute financially - so I headed back to the clinic and all the blood tests.

The following day I got an email from DD saying that he had realised that if we went through the clinic he wouldn't have the same rights as he does with BB, and therefore he did not want to do it after all. The law in the UK is that as BB was conceived at home, DD is actually the legal father. However, the legal agreement that we have says that he "will not take any action at any time to establish that he is a legal parent or to assert his parental status (either through a declaration of parentage, an application for parental responsibility, an application for orders under section 8 of the Children Act 1989 or otherwise)" so he did effectively sign that away. However, this is an agreement, not Law. He could, if he felt like it, have his case heard as BB's parent in a court of law. If we go through a clinic, the court would turn him away.

This threw me a lot. When I mentioned the agreement to him, he said that he knew what he had signed, but things had changed. 

I was floored. Here he is saying no, when 24 hours earlier he was so in he was prepared to contribute to the cost, and he had told his Mum the plan too. Now, the fact that he could not go to court was his deciding factor to pull out, and furthermore he was saying he no longer agreed with our agreement. 

Suddenly another child was not in my thoughts anymore, I was scared for the one I have. I was so anxious that I even stopped producing milk for BB. I couldn't reply to his emails and I was totally dreading his visit. I have given him much more access to BB than our agreement says I should, so effectively I have made myself vulnerable, giving him more of a case against me. I was just a mess, for several days. I tied to reply to his email about 20 times but the words just didn't come out right. 

He came to visit on Friday and we talked. Apparently his concern about being heard in court is for when I am dead and he wants the kids to live with him, but not before - this could be done in my will, indeed I have discussed that with him before, but he is still not happy about not being the legal father. He did convincingly tell me that he wouldn't ever try and take BB, and I know that his chances would be small if he did - but I just don't even want to go there or think about it. I just want us to be a happy family and carry on like we were.

We did discuss the possibility of trying again via AI at home. That would be a lot cheaper than IVF and he would still have the same rights as he does with BB. At some moments that seems like a good idea, indeed his next visit will be perfectly timed so that could be 'a sign'.  At other times it seems crazy. I feel more secure going through the clinic, both for myself physically (there is not much monitoring of a pregnant woman normally and I am old - I am still scared that it will put my health in danger and affect BB), and now, even though I hadn't thought about it before this episode, I feel more secure legally. 

So, now I am in limbo again.

AI at home with DD
IVF with an unknown donor
or be happy with just one?

Sometimes I wish I had just got pregnant by accident in my teens! It would have been so much easier! 
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10 comments:

  1. Yeah, sometimes I wished I had just gotten "knocked up" when I was younger too. OK, now to the issue, I thought PP was not interested in parenting and that DD put PP and his wishes first. I know things change, but things can change within in a marriage also.

    After all this time, do you trust DD? Is there someway if you went to the clinic that you could reassure him that everything would literally be the same and that you are mainly interested in the clinic for the health benefits? Maybe some type of paperwork which acknowledges him as a known donor who will be part of the child's life? Oh, the things we go through to have a family.... Hugs

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  2. I Think PP is happy with DD parenting and himself being involved sometimes - he is worried that he might get left out, but really that's up to him to get involved. He is more so now that BB is older and also now that he no longer has to care for his mother every weekend, and he agreed that if I was going to have another child it would be best if it was DD's


    The paperwork that acknowledged DD as a known donor and says that he will alway be a part of BB's life etc is all the agreement we already have - apparently that is not enough - it's the ability to be heard in a court of law that he wants, and by going through a clinic he can't have that.

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  3. My jaw dropped when I read this after the impression DD made last summer about PP coming 1st always. It feels so unfair that that DD & PP hold so much power of your decision to have a second child. I am sorry it's had so many ups & downs for you.

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  4. Firstly good to hear from you, your blog's been quiet for a while, hope all is well.

    They only have control over me if I let them. Trouble is I'm letting them! I do want to keep them sweet though... I'm so tired of it all, but if I don't try I'll feel like I have given up.

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  5. What a to-do! I agree it's a shame that DD has so much control over your options - that would drive me batty. But it's a very complex and personal decision, I know. It's easy for me on the outside to say "just use an anonymous donor!", but then you do have to deal with a lifetime of repercussions - your first son having a dad and the second child not, etc. How complicated modern life is!

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  6. Wow, that's all big. This decision has been on a roller coaster all year, it must be draining. Wonderful news about your fertility. Did they do an egg reserve test as well? I'm sure that's a great relief for you if you decide to TTC going forward.

    I have another friend who has used a known donor and is also finding it a mixed bag. Obviously, BB is blessed to have a biological father who is interested and engaged in his development. It would be a blessing for any future children to also share that connection. I can well imagine, though, how vulnerable the raising of the legal aspect could make you feel. After all, your family was created on your initiative. It could exist without KD, but it wouldn't exist without you. Maybe you could get some informal legal advice to ease your own 'worst case' scenario. I don't know DD of course, he's always sounded honourable, if sometimes conflicted. (Does he read your blog?!) You're so sensible, I know you'll work out the right path for you and BB. Willing you all the best outcome. xx

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  7. Yes I know, I hate how out of my hands it is too. Ideally I would like it to be the same Dad as he is great, and I want him to be happy with the situation. But a year of AI at home produced nothing but BFN's and the emotional stress that goes with that, so I am not rely comfortable with starting all that again.I feel like time is running out and I should try other options - but I don't have other options if DD is to be the Dad again, On a positive note I saw my GP yesterday and he is writing a letter of appeal on my behalf to try and get me free fertility treatment (previously turned away for being single). If that goes through it will be another option, and another dilemma too I guess, but at least I have hope…

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  8. Yes I had a scan for egg reserves a couple of weeks before the bloods and that was all good too. Yes he is very honourable - he's great. Just human, which is the problem as he has his own fears, issues and opinions to throw into the mix. I don't think he would try and take the kids from me unless there was a good reason, but then what he thinks is a good reason is open to interpretation isn't it, thats the worrying part - and that interpretation will likely be fuelled by emotion. I wonder how would me having a second child that is not his affect that? He might think I wasn't coping with two and that he should take BB away for example. I am more scared about that than anything. But then I don't want to not go ahead because of that, for fear that I will resent him for it.


    The other issue I have with AI at home is that it didn't work. I am scared of starting that again and then in six months time still being in the same situation that I am in now, just a little more jaded and older. I liked the idea that there was going to be some positive intervention that gave me a really good chance of being pregnant in the next couple of months - I have lost that now,

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  9. such a difficult dilemma - not sure if there is a solution that will be happy for everyone :( only you know what you are happy with in your heart of hearts ... my only advice is to listen to your instincts, go with what the decision that gives you the most comfort and peace

    as for going straight for IVF, as someone who conceived at 41 with unmedicated IUI I can say it's possible, but then apparently my egg reserve and bloods are still at the age of 44 the same as someone 35 so maybe I am a weird freak of nature

    best of luck sweetie and big hugs

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  10. Mmmm, if only I knew what I was happy with!


    I'm feeling like what i should do is go ahead with what DD is willing to offer and try at home. Thing is I feel like that is a waste of time, so I'm not really happy with that option. It didn't work for a year already. I think the thing that is different is him too - I was convinced all along based on all the motoring I was doing, that everything was working well my end, and now I have the test results to prove it. He has gone from an easy job to a much harder, busier one and is knackered. Plus I think with BB he put some effort into enhancing sperm quality and I don't think he is doing that now. Using his sample from 3 years ago would have solved both problems.


    Regarding IUI/IVF, the clinic did say that they would allow me to proceed with IUI based on my test results and past pregnancies so it is still an option. I haven't actually replied to them yet about which i want, though I did have all the tests for IVF. If I do either now though I will be having a child that's not DD's, and that's going to cause issues, so I'm not really happy with that either.


    The other option is to call it quits and be happy with one - and I am happy with one, but I'd love BB to have a sibling.


    [big sigh]

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