Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No… ?

And the update for this week is…

I don't know!

I am still struggling with this whole decision making process regarding both moving house and whether to go for IVF or not.

I have spent five days of this year so far looking for a house. I think I have somewhere that I might want to live, and then I spend time in that place looking at houses for the day, only to feel a huge relief when I emerge into the outside world again. Everything in the city seems so closed in, not good for a girl with a love of the wide desert and the open fen landscape. I have gone from suburb to suburb, development to development and I still haven't found a place where I think I would be happy to live.

Then there's my house. My house is perfect for us. It is perfect for us because I spent loads of time and money making it so, converting, renovating, improving the design and flow, insulating and adding the solar panels to keep our bills down. I honestly haven't found anywhere as nice. To confirm that, I have now had 3 real estate agents come to value it, and they have all said the same - there is nothing you could do to improve it.

The best new place I found, within our budget, was a brand new three story terraced house on a square, which had a playground for the under sixes and a grassed area for bigger kids who want to kick a ball around. BB could have gone outside and played when he was older and I could have spied on him from the window. The middle floor was great - a lounge at the back, dining area at the from and a lovely central kitchen. It had enormous windows so it was light too. But the ground floor and top floor were less than satisfactory - tiny bedrooms, and a garage that's too small for a car! The roads were narrow and clogged with cars already, even before all the houses are occupied, and it was situated in a real rabbit warren part of the development.

So, I am getting a very strong feeling for staying put. I do know that the preschool and infant school near here are great. We have all we need. BB was pretty taken with the idea of a "really tall house", but he also really wants some chickens again. I have asked him 5 times now if he would rather have a really tall house or chickens - It's 5:0 to the chickens. I think we will stay.

Another thing that is persuading me is that I am just beginning to get things moving with my BabyCalm business. A main motivator for training in the first place was because there was nothing similar at all in our town. I really wanted to provide something for new mums here. I started promoting it on Tuesday and already I have had two really heartfelt emails from people saying just how much it's needed here. Although I could get much more work on this in the city if wee moved, if we stay here I won't need to work so hard because we will need less money - I can still travel to the city one or two days a week and I will still provide a much needed service in my local community.

So yeah, today we are definitely staying. Lets see what I want to do tomorrow!

Then there's the IVF decision. I am not pregnant again. Since DD said no to using a clinic six weeks ago I have been thinking along the lines of just giving up. I am very happy with just BB and me. Our life is good. I have been thinking about holidays and things we could do together if we are just 2. I am happy with that. DD told me yesterday though that he is now thinking we should get straight on with IVF. I wasn't expecting that. Do I want that? I really don't know. I would love another baby, yes. but can I put myself through it? Before our conversation last night I was thinking I would commit to 2 more cycles of AI and then call it a day. But will I be able to give up then if I don't actually have to? If not, when will it end? How much longer should I let it go on for? I'm kind of over it. I have to call it quits one day, and that day is definitely getting closer.