Disarmed, emotionally enabled, and dreaming of youthfulness

Sorry I have been a bit quiet. Things here went slightly crazy on Monday when my sore arm became an intensely painful one. I sat in a meeting and things gradually got worse and worse. No matter what I did, or what position I put in in the pain was excruciating. I felt sick, was sweating, and almost crying. In the end I called my parents and asked them to come and pick us up.

Luckily we were with some great child friendly people who looked after BB while we waited.  I couldn't even look down to see what he was doing, or pick him up, or steer him away from things he shouldn't have been playing with. Luckily too there was an osteopath present. She is on maternity leave and couldn't treat me there and then, but did make me an appointment for the next day with her colleague.

Unfortunately though, things got even worse. By the time we got home I was in so much pain I was crying. I swear it was worse than contractions as it never stopped and gave me a break. I rang the doctor to see if it was possible to get some strong pain killers. As I couldn't actually speak properly my mum had to talk. When she explained the situation they said that we needed a paramedic, and because it was my left arm they were super speedy in their arrival - policy, just in case I was having a heart attack! I was given gas and air, and codeine and then an emergency after hours appointment with the doctor.

The doctor diagnosed a trapped nerve in my back (as did my osteopath friend earlier), gave me more drugs and referred me for physio. All of the drug options were not suitable for women that are breastfeeding, and as I really couldn't cope with the pain I had to say yes and not feed BB. That was heart breaking and so not how I imagined our breastfeeding relationship would end. I hoped that a day or two in the drugs and a trip to the osteopath would do the trick and I could come off the tablets, but alas no. The tablets take a while to build up in your system so it was 3 days before they kicked in. I was in a state of utter despair too, I couldn't even fill a cup with milk for BB, nevermind change his nappy or his clothes. My mum is a hero and came to do all those things for him and keep us both happy - she is amazing!

As for any hope of breastfeeding again I think I have to let that go. I have started to reduce the dose of the drugs now, but I think I will be on them for a while yet. I also had some further pain on the day after my first appointment with the osteopath, which is normal, but not nice. I went back to her on Friday for a second appointment. I was in much less agony now and things had progressed well since my previous appointment. She was able to manipulate my back, there was a very satisfying click, and my nerve was finally set free.

I am still recovering. The feeling still hasn't returned to my fingers, but finally today I received a letter from the physiotherapist saying that they had received my referral and that I was to call and make an appointment. I am glad I didn't wait for that - I would have died from the agony by now. I will still take up the appointment though. Some exercises will do me no harm.

The whole event has given me a great deal of time to pause for thought on what I am doing. Essentially its my own fault. I believe the root of the problem is a lower back injury which I sustained playing netball years ago. I learned the hard way that I need to maintain my back with regular treatment to keep it all aligned. Well, since moving back to the UK I have not. For several reasons I suppose, one being that no one seemed to know of a good massage therapist, another being the cost, and now since BB, no one to take care of him. I have been suffering all along. I have not even been able to walk properly since I had BB, particularly when I first get up in the morning I have to hobble around. I have also had some really bad back pain, disabling me on a couple of occasions so that I couldn't lift BB, and the arm thing has been there in a mild form for months.

I have woken up though and am going to go and have a series of appointments to work through all the knots and misalignments right from my finger to my tail bone, and then I will go monthly from the  on. Now that BB goes to nursery this is feasible. The woman that has been recommended to  me also has some really reasonable rates so I will hopefully be able to maintain it.

In all of that I am also feeling more like BB3 could be a possibility. After the miscarriage I was just feeling like maybe this was a sign that my body was just too old for this, but now with the thought of having it treated and how much better I might feel once that is done I feel like it really is an option. I guess another thing that has helped there is the fact that I took a test yesterday and all the pregnancy hormones have gone. As many of you will know, being full of hormones that tell your body that you are pregnant when your womb is empty is really no good at all, so I would imagine that my more positive outlook also has something to do with that.

The only thing that is not looking so good is my weight loss plan - but I think I'll save that story for another post as this one has gone on way too long.

I don't really have a picture for this post - my drugs? my arm? an "I'm still fat" photo? No, I think not!
Instead, here is BB in his new favourite toy. It's a car mostly, but the little scamp also knows that if you drive it into the kitchen and then turn it over and stand on it, you can reach lots of new and exciting things!

Hello, and thanks for stopping by. My name is Emma and I am a lifestyle entrepreneur, writer, teacher, coach and mentor. I am passionate about eating real food, learning, travel and health. I get to spend my days with my amazing son who has chosen to learn from the world rather than at school. We write to share the life we love and to help others create a life they love too.


  1. That sounds so painful and so similar to an experience I had towards the end of my pregnancy. Pains up and in the arm, not being able to talk, just a crazy painful mess. They thought I was going to have a stroke or something worse but luckily, like you, I had a treatments to align me and I've been better since. I'm so glad you're better and that he's well!

    1. I can't imagine how hideous that must have been when you were pregnant. Going through that without painkillers would have been so hard! Glad its all good since - hope it stays that way!

  2. That sounds like awful pain! Hope you recover quickly!

    I love the photo of BB! Elena LOVES sitting in boxes!

    1. Yes cardboard boxes and tubes from rolls of wrapping paper are the best toys in our house at the moment... great for the budget! I wonder how long it will last!

  3. Can completely identify - put my back out lifting littl'un out of the cot and was left bent over until amazing osteopath managed to click it back next day. What we would have done without Grandma jumping on the fast train as soon as it happened I don't know!

    Am sure there must be quite a lot of mums with similar problems - all that lifting and bending and carrying we do.

    1. Pleased to hear you have a hero Grandma in your family too. You are right, the lifting doesn't help, and so many things require you to lift in awkward ways, like putting the baby in the car seat for example. I am luck I was able to find someone to fix it so fast.

      Just as an aside - your comment came through as I was composing a 'list' for tomorrows post - this mum makes lists too!
      I had a quick squiz at your blog too - I shall follow! Nice to meet you!

  4. How miserable! I'm glad you're feeling better!

  5. Aw E, sounds horrible. I also have an ongoing issue that rears its ugly head every once in a while - worse when I sit for long periods. My physio told me I sustained it after being bucked off a horse 15 years ago and in her words 'she has no idea how my pelvis stood up to three kids without SPD once'. So all is possible. I'm glad the arm is feeling better and huge hugs to grandma for being such a star. You know my mum is also around and would be happy to help if you are stuck, so please remember that. Thank you for the card too - tell BB that I was really touched to get it and glad he liked his new puzzle. I'm also glad to read the final paragraph of your blog and am happy you've reached peace with making a decision. Huge hugs from all of us and rest up xxx