I know we didn't even have Christmas yet, but I am already thinking about next year. About what I want to change, what I want to achieve, and how to reorient the direction of our lives.
I suppose the call to focus was brought about by DD's recent decision. I worked through a lot of my thoughts on this in the responses to all your comments (thank you so much blogiverse - you really did help me focus). I have pretty much reached conclusion.
I think from comments that have been made by DD and PP about how hard it would be to treat a child with another biological father the same as they do BB, and things like what will child 2 do when BB goes on great holidays with his dads, have made me realise that it would be far from ideal to have a child with another donor. In fact, thinking about their reasoning for saying yes for that brief time, it was really only a yes to prevent me from using another donor - kind of an "if you must, we will" sort of decision. For the record, I am not meaning to sound negative about their choice. That's their position and I understand that - our situation is complex. I genuinely think it is good that everyone can say what they feel, even if it isn't always what the others want to hear. It would be far worse to proceed with something regardless of other peoples feeling - we are a family after all, and we all want what's best for BB.
So, for all those reasons, I am not going to go ahead with another donor.
The second option then is to try AI at home again. I am still wavering on this - changing my mind frequently. I am finding it hard to let go of the dream, but the reality of TTC is quite off putting. The last 18 months have been such an emotional drain, the miscarriage, the trapped nerve, PP changing his mind, DD changing his mind, lots of BFN's and missed opportunities. Giving up. Trying again. Fertility tests. The worry of losing BB.
IVF would have been a fast end to the process. I would either get pregnant within a couple of tries, or be out of money so the decision was made for me. We would have maximised our chances, and used a 3 year old sperm sample which we know is up to the task. Pursuing more AI seems like prolonging the agony. If I were in a relationship and just decided to stop 'trying' and see what happens that would be different, but the pressure is always on in our situation. It's not the most pleasant of activities, and lets get real - it hasn't worked!!! The fact that I hadn't sustained a successful pregnancy after a year is what lead to the idea of going to a clinic for IVF in the first place. Trying again at home then just seems like a pointless waste of emotional energy. Energy that could be better directed into being a good parent to the child I already have.
There's also the fact that at any moment one of them could change their mind again. Once more, I don't blame them for having their own emotional dramas about it all, that's just how it is, but if we do try again, I will really be putting myself on the line and I'm just not sure I can take any more of it. I am a bit annoyed at myself for being so weak here, but perhaps other women will understand. It's like everything is so beyond my control, the innate biological drive to have a child, the urge of the mother within me to give my child a sibling, and the independent will of two men in London. I am just so powerless and vulnerable within all that. I am also a single parent who must be dependable and strong all the time. I've been on this wobbly and unpredictable road for over a year - I feel the need to get onto a more stable path and take control of my own destiny again.
I don't think I have entirely let go of the dream. I thought I had, then I found myself purchasing a fertility monitor on Monday, just in case. There is still that what if. Maybe it would only take one more try. But maybe in a year I will still be having this same conversation with myself. That would really suck! Chocofishie really helped when she said to go with what makes me happiest in my heart. From the above you will see that using another donor doesn't make my heart happy, more AI doesn't make my heart happy, but my third option, to be happy with just BB, makes my heart sing. That's definitely my best answer - but I am still to accept it 100%.
Other stuff that has been going on also leads to the same conclusion. As you will know from past posts, my current place of residence was only ever a temporary measure. The reality that I am unlikely to conceive again, and that I won't need my small, baby friendly home much longer, has hit in the last couple of weeks. If BB is to be an only child, without the built in best friend to fall back on when you move to a new place, it would be good if we were in a more long term home before he starts school. Our current friends, activities we do, and the energy around my BabyCalm™ business, are all pulling me towards Peterborough. Perhaps not my favourite place in the world, but nice enough, with some good community things happening. It also has a meditation centre, a community garden, great sports and recreation facilities, and a brilliant road and rail network for getting to other places. It's convenient for my family and for DD, with lots of opportunities for BB and for me. I think I may have even found us a place to live - a new build which comes with the option of a Government Equity Loan, meaning that with the equity I have in our current house, it is affordable. I have checked out the schools online and there are three very good schools to choose from close by. I'm feeling really good about it too.
So, roll on 2014: Let's move on, move house, grow a happy child and a healthy business, and embrace life as a family of two!
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