Thursday, July 4, 2013

Changing back to Me!

It feels like time for another rambling post of what I am doing and how I have been over the last few weeks - there has been lots going on.

I have been having a bit of a hard time really. Since DD said he didn't want to go back to Australia I have been in a bit of a dark place. I really want to go. It has always been my plan, and I thought it was his too. Legally of course I can go as he has no right to stop me, but to take my son away from his Dad would be hard to do. The alternative though, of staying here for the rest of my life isn't very appealing, and I do honestly believe that BB would have a better life over there too.

The thought that we might get stuck here sent me into a bit of a panic too. DD and his partner, and my family all being on this side of the planet is a strong tie - do I have the guts and the energy to do what I think is best for BB and I long term and go? How will it work? Is there a way that we can still be sure we have lots of contact with DD? Where would we go? What would I do?  Can I afford it? Is the exchange rate going to get even worse, or it will it improve so that I can afford to move back? I am eating into my savings here still and that worries me too.

Having one of my old friends from WA come to visit didn't help. It was great to see her, really great, but it also reminded me what it is to have a real friend around, one who knows me from years ago, before I was mum. We have a shared history of great times and have been through some not so good ones together too. It reminded me of me! Someone I had almost forgotten.

I do have friends here, some great ones, but that shared history is so important. Although I was raised in the UK, I grew up in Australia. That is where I became the independent, adult version of me. The one who was free from all the emotional abuse from my dad, free from the apathetic and negative attitude of so many UK folk. I was one who was bathed in sunshine, good friends, fun times, interesting work, possibilities and enthusiasm, social mobility and a fair go.

I don't like the person I am becoming here - my resilience is wearing off and the negativity getting me down. I am becoming one of the miserable whinging Poms! Regardless of whether I go back to Australia or not, I do still have at least a couple of years to live here. It's not as simple as just getting up and running away - I need to make some changes. Sometimes you have to work at A Blissful Life!

So, my silence has really been me having a little word with myself. Thinking about who I am and what I enjoy, what is needed to keep me Blissful, thinking about the now as well as future plans. I think I have emerged from the depths, but I'm not flying high yet.

I have gone back to do a second Whole30 (don't panic, I am blogging about it on Almost Paleo not here). I decided that I felt so good I wanted to stick with the Paleo diet, however, I gradually started to drift away, not completely, but more and more frequently. I think some of my dissatisfaction with myself was due to this. Really, I am like an alcoholic! I know that wheat and sugar will make me feel terrible, but I am still tempted and give into that temptation - the initial reward is great, but the after effects not so, and then I want more! I actually went into the depression the day after eating a baguette, and decided to google whether it was possible for wheat to cause depression - I found lots of of articles suggesting it could, including this one. I had also gained a bit of weight, and my body bloated, and I was feel lethargic and generally quite sluggish - so another outcome of my word with self is to do the Whole 30 again as a launch into a Paleo life. I am on day 4 and already feel heaps better for it.

I am continuing the process of 'coming out as me' and have changed the google+ profile from Blissful Mama to my own name. I am in the process of creating a page for A Blissful Life and I already have one going for Almost Paleo. The the personal profile page will actually be mine! The real me. I think this is an important part of what I am going through at the moment. I still have the occasional fear that it will come back and bite me (or BB), but hopefully not. I can always make A Blissful Life private if it comes to that.

Hopefully this will also help me to generate more income. It was hard to keep myself anonymous and I do have a business providing remote admin and social media services, so these different Me's need to work together on several occasions.

Almost Paleo seems to have legs - it is getting a lot of page views for a new blog. I am enjoying it too. I think I mentioned that before I left Australia I began to study Nutritional Medicine, it really interests me and I am hoping that this will give me a reason to continue to explore that interest. I am even thinking of looking for another course here, or seeing if I can continue what I started from Australia - I was doing it by Distance Ed. anyway. It's just funding it which is the problem.

Then of course there's TTC! I am still trying to give BB a sibling, but almost ready to quit. I am happy with one. As I am sure I have said before, I really would love him to have a sibling and I would absolutely love another child, but the thought of pregnancy gets less and less appealing. I think I will feel better when I know what my destiny is there too.

If you are still with me, well done! Thanks for reading another 'blogging as therapy' post!


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2 comments:

  1. It sounds like you're getting your head around where you want to be right now, and where you want to be in a few years - and I like the sounds of it! Funny, when we were kids, it seemed like adults had it all figured out...it's a little disconcerting to realize that we don't. LOL

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  2. Ha ha - that made me chuckle. Yes I wonder if we will ever get it sorted! I remember when I was in my early 20's I was in a band and there was couple in it in their mid 40's that kept splitting up and getting back together and having all the emotional dramas that go with it - just like when you are teenagers. That was a similar disconcerting moment to me that it may never get better!

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