Monday, July 15, 2013

Identity crisis, waiting, and other stuff!

First the identity crisis - this is so trivial and non consequential, but somehow seemed huge to me. Observing myself I can see that this is ridiculous, however...

Being Blissful Mama instead of the real me meant that I had multiple profiles all over social media (Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, etc.). That was a nightmare to say the least, so one of the things that was good about coming out as me was that I could now consolidate all of those into one account for each. Twitter has gone from three accounts (one for work, one for Almost Paleo and one for Blissful Mama). After lots of deliberation and research, the common advice was to keep the account with most followers and change the name. I considered using one of my other names that I have already, but they were each associated with only one aspect of me. I also read that  using your real name with no underscores or numbers was the way to go. From what was available, @realemmabliss seemed the most appropriate, so I changed @Blissful_Mama to that. This seemed like a sensible thing to do - I would feel a bit silly telling a business client that I am Blissful Mama. Plus there is more to me than Blissful Mama, so if it is to include the whole real me, and it works for Almost Paleo too.

This all seems simple right - I changed the links on my blogs and in a couple of other places and that was that. BUT, then I found myself mourning Blissful Mama. I know that's ridiculous! But it has been my identity for so long. So should I change it back? Does it really matter? Will anyone else actually care?  Will I just get over it? I don't use twitter for business anyway so why is that an issue? And even if i did, @Blissful_Mama's not offensive! Lots of people funny twitter names! I have a history associated with Blissful Mama - I have been to two conferences with that identity.

I tweeted about my dilemma to ask people what they thought.  No one replied. That's how much it matters.

In the end I decided that @Blissful_Mama feels more me that @realemmabliss - which sounds a bit pretentious, but there already is someone with my name (perhaps it would have been easier if that was available).

So anyway - after all that, I have changed back!

Therefore you didn't actually really need to hear that story at all - other than as an anecdote of my identity crisis - hopefully I am through it now - well that bit of it at least!

On to waiting. Yes I am waiting again - 7dpo. I can no longer imagine actually getting pregnant and feel like we should give up now and move on. If it happens I will be more than surprised. I am in two minds as to whether I want to try again after this cycle. We did say we'd keep trying up to a May due date, as BB2 should have been born this May which seemed like perfect timing. I guess we'll decide in a week or so!

BB is being an absolute delight, and annoying all at once. He is talking in little sentences now which is very cute. I love how the way he constructs them is a little insight into the way he sees the world. He is also a joker and likes to pretend which surprised me really for his age. Pretending to be asleep is a new favourite game - he says "night night" and starts snoring. He does this in the most ridiculous places - like in my wardrobe, on the stairs, in the bath...




He is has also learned that "please" is a magic word that makes things happen. Most of the time I am rewarding his good manners by meeting his requests, but sometimes it is necessary to say no even when  he says please - so he's not taking that too well.

He is also going through a phase where he says he wants something, and then when you get it he doesn't want it. The you put it back and he wants it. He is not joking in this game but screaming, either because he wants it or because he doesn't. It's not my favourite game!

A recent thing is running away from me. This is a fun game and we did have an understanding about where it was appropriate and where is wasn't - like when there's cars you always hold mummy's hand. He seems to have forgotten this though - or chosen to ignore it. Twice yesterday he ran off towards a road, and once in front of a car in a car park. It gives me nightmares. He does't get it either, just thinks its funny. I'm not sure where to go on this one, my dad says to use the reins again.  These were great when he first started walking (they held him up a bit and let him explore more freely, but  we haven't really used them since he mastered the art of walking properly and learned to stay holding my hand. I'm not sure it's appropriate to use reins at this stage of his development - but I don't want him under a car. Any more ideas on this?

He is determined too if he wants something. Here is in on the kitchen counter - he pushes a chair across and hauls himself up. This is the cupboard where the little packs of raisins are kept!


I am also having one of those phases where I feel I am not doing enough to stimulate him as well. I think I do a good job of taking him places and doing interesting stuff out, but at home I think could do more. He seems to agree, as he is always disappointed to get home. I keep thinking I should try and make home more fun, or get more things for him to do, or play with him more. Then again, we could always do more, right? With more hours in the day, or more hands... One of my friends said to me when I became pregnant "welcome to the guilt - as now you will feel guilty for the rest of your life" I thought they were just cynical, but now I see it's true. Hopefully doing my best most of the time is good enough!






Pin It Now!

9 comments:

  1. Elena is pretending more & more & I love it...it facinates me to see how her little mind works...she does the pretend sleep thing & if I don't notice, she'll call me then quickly "fall asleep" which is so funny...she'll also pretend to "take" your arm or leg or even butt & throw it to which I react with an over indignant, "Did you just steal my butt & throw it?!!?" & she laughs hysterically! So much fun. You hit the nail on the head when you said they're a delight & annoying all at once!! So true!
    Keeping fingers crossed for a BFP for you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. We are having a lot of the same behaviour. After having a good little girl who never ran away...that's all she does now. I've gone back to using her monkey reins (goldbug) as it keeps us both safe. She seems to like the new restriction and happily puts them on. She also cries upon arriving home but I guess we all get cabin fever at times and its something I'm hoping will pass. Sorry no real advice it seems...just a rambling comment!

    ReplyDelete
  3. She sounds so cute! I could do with someone stealing my butt! Thanks for agreeing that annoying is the right word - I feel so bad describing my lovely boy like that - but sometimes...

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thanks for sharing that, just to hear that you are using reins is good advice. I might try the reins again then. Perhaps BB will like them too! Or at least if he hates them maybe they will teach him to stay with me. He has a strap on his high chair that I only use when I have to. Not used it for a while now as he learned to sit properly... not that I can attribute that to the strap, it could just be his development.


    I did read that running away is an important game, they do it to make you follow to reassure them that you will always be there - this is fun in the bedroom or garden, or even the park - but not so in the car park! As you say, lets hope it's a phase that passes soon!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I keep trying to post comments and your blog won't let me!

    Here's another try.

    First, your blog is REALLY hard to comment on!

    I don't think it used to be, but Disqus now made me sign in. And gave me a username that I will never remember. So I don't know if I will be able to comment again.

    But I've saved several comments for you.

    From early June: I think that you should absolutely prioritize what is OVERALL best for you and your son. I wonder if calling your son's donor "Dad" made you think that he was truly his Dad. I think your donor WANTS to be the dad... but he's not willing to make the sacrifices required to truly be the dad. Which is why he's the donor. OF COURSE he must prioritize his partner. That's who he has promised his life to. Not to you. Not to your son.
    I really sympathize with your heartache over this. I started out TTC'ing with a KD and realized, along the way, that I would be inviting just this sort of heartache.

    Also, keep in mind that although your son adores "Dad," he doesn't yet have the same emotional attachment to the IDEA of having A dad that you do. I suspect that your son would adore his donor just as much if he called him Fred. Still, I'm sure it will be hard for both of you to live another the other side of the globe from his donor.

    OTOH, having a network of family, friends, and professional folks in Australia sounds like a huge win for both of you.

    My dad used to say that it's not hard to figure out what you want, what's hard is figuring out what you are willing to let go of.

    From early July: I think it's great that you use your blog as a place to work out your concerns. Absolutely appropriate. If we readers didn't want to know what was going on with you, we wouldn't read your blog!
    i'm sorry you are struggling right now but it sounds like it's all for very good reasons. you have some very big decisions in front of you. i think that getting back on the Whole30 diet, since it worked so well for you before, will be a big help. get the food issues out of the way so you can focus on bigger issues in life.

    one thing that helps me with big decisions... my best friend says, "I don't make decisions, I find out when I've already decided." in other words, you don't have to think about this so hard. keep gathering data, if there is more data to be gathered (things like looking into the exchange rate),

    but don't push yourself. one day you will wake up and know what you need to do.

    PS let us followers know if you are able to loosen the restrictions on posting to your blog!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hi Abby, thanks for a huge and thoughtful comment and for persevering with the problems you had. I actually thought disqus made it easier to comment. Anyone can comment and you don't need to be a google member, and it works on mobiles and iPads whereas blogger comments don't - that drives me nuts... Is anyone else having problems with this? Maybe that needs a separate post.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Re the "dad' thing - yes I think in some ways you are right re the confusion between donor and Dad, though I do think he is deserving of the title - he visits every two weeks and is very supportive of me and great with BB, and his family are supportive too - I do feel like we are family, and that I am part of his family too. He is a much better Dad than a lot of the Dads I know.


    But the boundaries are odd. My friends are always on at me that if he is really Dad he should pay me maintenance properly to help me raise his son (apparently thats 15% of his salary in the UK) which would be significant. The thing they point out that is unfair is that he and his partner have a nice life, nice clothes, lots of exotic holidays, and he pops in to play dad in between times. It is kind of true. Meantime I am broke and selling stuff on ebay to pay the bills (need to have enough to cover the house insurance by October - I can do it though I think, as long as nothing else goes wrong in the meantime!).

    He does contribute a bit though, he buys food when he is here sometimes, but then I do feed and house him for 2 days a fortnight so that's fair enough. He helps out with cooking and other chores too. He has also taken us on holiday a few times and is going to again soon. And last month he started to make contribution towards BB's activities. Also, keeping that distance where I am legally100% responsible for everything does give me that freedom to do what I like. Legally I can do whatever I want - BB and I can live where we like and we never need see DD again. That wont happen though because DD is great, and I could never do it to either of them or myself. The thing that stops me from just doing what I want is myself. I do think he has a lot to offer BB and that their relationship is very important. And I don't want BB to hate me for taking him away from his Dad, and I don't want me to hate me for taking my son away from his dad.

    Yes - an anonymous donor would have been a lot easier in terms of this particular issue, but there are lots of advantages to having DD that more than balance that out. I do understand that his partner is his number one choice, in no way do I expect me to come before him, but as a woman BB would come before a partner any day! And I don't want to let what his partner wants mess up my life - which could easily happen! Plus I think he (partner) could be a little more understanding, not of me, but of the fact that DD wants to spend time closer to his parents for a while.

    Also, I don't want to put that out of perspective - there are other things tying me to the UK, like my own family, and I did miss them when I was away, and my parents don't get any younger . I can't help but think it would be the same if DD said he wanted to go back to Oz. I would then be feeling like I had to go and leave my family behind and could well be facing the same dilemma...

    What I really need to do is stop thinking about the future and wishing I was elsewhere, but be present and enjoy what I have. I am good at that sometimes. And in some ways having a child is making me better at that, but also, having a child makes me more concerned about the future too.

    Parenting is tough sometimes!

    ReplyDelete
  8. I think maybe I was trying to comment in the wrong area?

    ReplyDelete
  9. Oh, well that's good then - you had me worried there. I chose disqus because I mostly read blogs on my phone and ipad and so can never comment unless people have disqus... I found it good, and I have been getting more comments too I think. Hope it continues to work ok for you.

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger.....