Saturday, October 6, 2012

4 days later

It's now 4 days since I lost my baby. I am not really wanting to go on and on about it here, after all this blog is supposed to be Blissful, but I do need to process and this works for me. If you are getting bored of this topic please forgive me and don't feel you have to read, but I do have to write.

There have been so many thoughts in my head. Many of them around the topic why this happened, there are some feelings of guilt, and lots of questioning as to whether it could be something I did. I have also been wondering when.

I did have less pregnancy symptoms that I did with BB right from the start, but I did have some. Breastfeeding BB was very painful for a while. But that stopped, and I didn't notice. I still can't really think when that was. I also had some nausea and fatigue, these got worse in the last week or so leading up to the m/c. I took it as being a sign that all was well, but I guess it was because the baby had died inside me and my body was trying to process that. I have been wondering if it was something I ate, or did, like the Wensleydale cheese, or was it when I was bouncing BB, or lifting a heavy table top or a sack of chicken food.

I feel guilty for so many reasons. I never really bonded with this baby like I did with BB. Rationally I am thinking that is because it did not have so much presence, but now I feel sad that I didn't make the most of the precious little time we had together. Although I loved my pregnancy with BB, I really wasn't looking forward to doing it all again. I openly stated that I was looking forward to when this one was over and done with so that I could have my body back. I did anticipate having a baby first though and feel terrible for wishing the pregnancy away.

I am  also wondering if this is a sign that I shouldn't have another child. I will be 41 next month. Maybe I am pushing my luck just a little too far. I am so very grateful that I got to experience being a mum at all. Perhaps I don't have it in me to look after two (sometimes I don't do a very good job with just one!). Perhaps this is what was meant to be - just BB and me.

I feel sad for BB though. I wanted him to have a sibling, to play with, squabble with, love and annoy. Someone to share the burden of his mother with in her old age. Several people have mentioned trying again, but I can't really imagine that right now. Having said that, the fact that I did 'see' a future with 'the boys', and that I am annoyed with subconscious for assigning my favourite girls' name to the baby (so that it would be hard to use it if I did ever have a girl) tells me that I am already aware I might think differently in the future. However, trying again does have to be conscious decision - when you do it my way it's impossible to get pregnant by accident!

Physically, I am doing ok. I think the bleeding has finally slowed down this evening, and the headache has eased off. I have joined weight watchers too. I think I felt the need to be in control of something and losing weight is something that really wont hurt in my case. I was 85kg at my booking appointment last weds and I should really be around 70.

BB was a bit under the weather for a while there. He was a bit off breast milk for a few days and had a dodgy belly, but that seems to be back to normal and he was on a constant breastfeeding frenzy today. I am guessing my milk affected him but is returning to normal now.

So, in summary I think I am working through it, but saying goodbye to someone that I never got the chance to say hello to is so much harder than I could have ever imagined.

My BB2 Belly at 9 weeks 




Pin It Now!

5 comments:

  1. First off, this is YOUR blog, YOUR space, so do not apologise. Second off, this is probably part of the grieving process so you need to do this. Third off, you did NOTHING, you hear me, NOTHING to cause this, it wasn't anything you ate or did. Life sometimes deals us really hard hands and if there is one thing I learned as a doula, midwife and mother, it was that nature is a far, far stronger opponent or ally than we ever really give credit. We spend too much time trying to 'control' it when really, it controls us. Keep talking all you want. xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, I know... and I know that there was nothing I could have done - it's just that sometimes there is disparity between what I know and the thoughts that occupy my head!

      Delete
  2. There's not much I can add to what Rachel has said as she is spot on, but let me tell you one thing: your blog, your rules. Easy as that. Blogging is very therapeutic. Lots of good wishes going your way

    ReplyDelete
  3. I feel like under the same circumstances I would be having all your same feelings - wondering if at *our* age we're pushing our luck, etc. No matter what age or circumstance, though, all of this pregnancy/ labor stuff is way harder and more tenuous than anyone thinks who doesn't have first hand experience. Hang in there!

    ReplyDelete
  4. What you're expressing sounds very understandable to me. You can't help but blame yourself & feel guilt. But try to remind yourself that it was NOT your fault or because of anything you did/didn't do or anything you thought or said. Be kind to yourself.

    ReplyDelete