Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Grrrr! - And we've gotta get out of this place

Apologies in advance for this not fitting the Blissful theme, but I have to get this out. I am supposed to be writing an article for a magazine but my head just isn't there. Perhaps if I offload its contents on my blog, I will be able get on with what I am supposed to be doing.

I am crying. I have just dropped BB off at nursery. He was sad. He didn't make a fuss, or cry, or even protest, he just hugged me extra long, looked at me with a sad face and then walked off ever so slowly. Perhaps he has picked up on the fact that I am struggling to be blissful right now. He has said to me a few times over the last few days, be happy mummy.

I am struggling because it is all so god dammed hard. I am working in excess of 30 hours a week at the moment - for nothing it seems. I am just trapped in the system. Last financial year I made £608. This year is looking to be about the same. What am I doing here in this miserable country with no future. It's madness. On top of that I am sick. Again.

I have worked hard to try and like it. I have made some good friends, established new networks, looked for new places to live, and new work opportunities. I have retrained 3 times since I have been back. I have enjoyed lots of things too.

But I keep finding myself singing "We've Gotta get out of this Place". The 5 year anniversary has hit me hard. I am scared that we are going to be stuck here forever. I can't let that happen. I feel stupid because I worked so damn hard to get out of this country once before, and now I am stuck here again.  What an idiot! I wish I liked it here. I wish it felt like there was a future for us in the UK. I wish I trusted in the education system to nurture my child and not beat out all of his creativity, wonder and enthusiasm. I wish there was a sense of community. I wish people (including me now) could be more positive. I wish there was social mobility, optimism and opportunities. I wish it wasn't all so divorced from reality and that real things mattered more than trivial shite about some celebrity. I wish I didn't have to put my child in nursery just so that I could run on a treadmill for what has worked out to be about 25p an hour.

We could just go. I can sell up and go back to Oz. If I didn't have BB that's without a doubt what I would do. Though if I hadn't planned to have BB I would never have come home in the first place. I don't regret it in that sense, and its great that he knows my parents and sisters. Its great that DD visits so frequently. Those things make it hard to leave.

I am scared too - can I afford to live there now? The house prices have gone up the £ has gone down. I really I would like to keep a home here so that I could come back if required to take care of my parents or anything like that,  but reality is that I absolutely can't afford to do that. If it was just me I could take a risk, buy a one way ticket and get any old job. Its not just me though. I do want to do the best for my child, and also for me. Is it selfish that I think that means taking him away from his family?

I need to get a plan together soon. I have to be able to see the way out. Pin It Now!

4 comments:

  1. What a difficult dilemma to be in! It's easier said than done to just do what is best for BB & you. BB deserves a happy Mommy & if being in OZ is what will make that happen then it sounds to be the right choice...but it's not that easy is it? It almost sounds that being in OZ is what's best for your sanity, BB's schooling etc but staying where you are is what's best for BB to foster family relationships... both places being what's best? Tough call. From my childhood experience, I would advise if you are going to move, do it while BB is this young, when he's young enough that the adjustment is easier & the long distance relationships with his family become the norm. My parents relocated us when I was 10 & it was devastating to me & changed the course of my life & personality negatively, taking decades to recover from all the issues that came from that 1 move.

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  2. Yes you make a good point around the time to move. One of the place I have been thinking about is Alice Springs. I love that place, my heart is there really, but I would move again before secondary school which is exactly the time you say not to - I had thought of that before too. Its also expensive to live there, and to get there.


    So now I am looking for places that are cheaper and that I could stay long term. Currently under investigation is Albany in WA - nice climate, coastal, good sized town, a couple of friends there, property more affordable, jobs not as good but several available... and don't need to earn so much if its cheaper either... Also slightly closer to home - my parents came to that part of Australia before when I lived there - they might come again too as it wasn't too hot for them like the more central parts were.


    I think we have to go somewhere. When I think about Albany too I think lets go NOW - it would be a great place for a preschooler to explore!

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  3. That's so hard.

    At this age, it's easier for them adjust like Tiara said. When we moved (just that little bit away) I worried about how he would do. He misses his family and being right near them and asks to see them often but it's much easier than I imagine it will be when they're older.

    You sound like its a matter of when and not if. I know the feeling too. If I could afford the big move away that I've been wanting while J is little, I'd do it too. I feel like I shouldn't encourage it because it's not really that simple for either of us,I know, but if it's a matter of happiness, if it will be better later, if you can work it out, do it.

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