Apologies in advance for this not fitting the Blissful theme, but I have to get this out. I am supposed to be writing an article for a magazine but my head just isn't there. Perhaps if I offload its contents on my blog, I will be able get on with what I am supposed to be doing.
I am crying. I have just dropped BB off at nursery. He was sad. He didn't make a fuss, or cry, or even protest, he just hugged me extra long, looked at me with a sad face and then walked off ever so slowly. Perhaps he has picked up on the fact that I am struggling to be blissful right now. He has said to me a few times over the last few days, be happy mummy.
I am struggling because it is all so god dammed hard. I am working in excess of 30 hours a week at the moment - for nothing it seems. I am just trapped in the system. Last financial year I made £608. This year is looking to be about the same. What am I doing here in this miserable country with no future. It's madness. On top of that I am sick. Again.
I have worked hard to try and like it. I have made some good friends, established new networks, looked for new places to live, and new work opportunities. I have retrained 3 times since I have been back. I have enjoyed lots of things too.
But I keep finding myself singing "We've Gotta get out of this Place". The 5 year anniversary has hit me hard. I am scared that we are going to be stuck here forever. I can't let that happen. I feel stupid because I worked so damn hard to get out of this country once before, and now I am stuck here again. What an idiot! I wish I liked it here. I wish it felt like there was a future for us in the UK. I wish I trusted in the education system to nurture my child and not beat out all of his creativity, wonder and enthusiasm. I wish there was a sense of community. I wish people (including me now) could be more positive. I wish there was social mobility, optimism and opportunities. I wish it wasn't all so divorced from reality and that real things mattered more than trivial shite about some celebrity. I wish I didn't have to put my child in nursery just so that I could run on a treadmill for what has worked out to be about 25p an hour.
We could just go. I can sell up and go back to Oz. If I didn't have BB that's without a doubt what I would do. Though if I hadn't planned to have BB I would never have come home in the first place. I don't regret it in that sense, and its great that he knows my parents and sisters. Its great that DD visits so frequently. Those things make it hard to leave.
I am scared too - can I afford to live there now? The house prices have gone up the £ has gone down. I really I would like to keep a home here so that I could come back if required to take care of my parents or anything like that, but reality is that I absolutely can't afford to do that. If it was just me I could take a risk, buy a one way ticket and get any old job. Its not just me though. I do want to do the best for my child, and also for me. Is it selfish that I think that means taking him away from his family?
I need to get a plan together soon. I have to be able to see the way out.
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