Its been a while since my last personal update. This is partly because I haven't really known what's going on with regard to many things, and also because I have been crazily busy with launching the BabyCalm business, doing the study for ToddlerCalm and still trying to earn us some money in my other work. I think I have made a few decisions though. Somewhere in the back of my head, whilst my mind has been elsewhere, several things have become clear.
We are definitely not moving. I appreciate my house more for looking at others. I have organised things so that for the time beginning at least, I only travel to the city for work one or two days a week. I like what we have here, and staying put is a whole lot cheaper and easier than moving, and my house a whole lot cheaper to run than most because of the investment I have put into it.
I have also decided that I don't want to go down the IVF route. The dilemma of what to do with any spare embryos is one I don't want to face, the process seems like a lot to put myself through, it is expensive and intrusive, and very inconvenient going down to London all the time - in fact, not really workable in my situation with my work and BB.
Something I didn't mention before, because I didn't know how to put it into words, was that I wasn't even really sure I wanted another child at all. This was a complete turn around for me, and I was critical of DD and PP for changing their minds so suddenly before so it seemed even worse for me to admit that I may have done the same. I actually felt after December's AI that perhaps I had acted in haste when I learned that DD had changed his mind back to a yes - did I really want this any more?
In the last few days I have really settled into the idea that I would, in an ideal world, like another child. I have also reached the point where I have been able to look back and see how my mind was working in the previous weeks. When DD mentioned the need to be able to be heard in a court, I worried about losing BB more than I ever worried about anything before. Although DD was able to put my mind at rest quite soon after, I think it has taken me this long to recover from the emotional trauma of those thoughts. It's also hard to know what you really think deep down, and when your mind is protecting you from your thoughts or possible negative outcomes. I was indeed very confused about it all.
I agreed to go ahead and try again at home, partly because I know that if I don't do it soon it really won't happen, and partly because I noticed I did suddenly have lots of energy when we started talking about things like possible due dates etc, but I still couldn't actually see it happening. The last few days I have been thinking that it just might. That said, I think I am also in a good space if it doesn't, I am happy with what I have, a few more tries and then I think if I don't get pregnant, I will finally be able to put the idea to rest.
I was almost convinced that we were getting chickens, but this week as BB has been hanging from the hand rail and doing push ups on the stair gate, the need for a climbing frame seems more important. I keep meaning to look up the research, but DD assures me that exercising the shoulders is a really important part of a boy's development that he will instinctively do (seems true from my observations), and without channelling that need somewhere constructive it can manifest in throwing and hitting things I'd rather he didn't. We have a couple of months before the garden is really accessible for play anyway - it's just cold and wet at the moment, so I will try and come to a decision before long about chickens v a climbing frame.
Pros and cons of chickens:-
Pros: chickens are great pets, BB loves them, they eat our scraps and create us lovely eggs, I have pen and the chicken hut and the feeders and everything, I even have a stash of corn in my dad's shed, so all we need is chickens, an outlay of about £15-20. They would more than pay for themselves in 6 weeks. Our own eggs are so much nicer than the ones you buy, and fresher. I like the identity of being a chicken mum, I like having lovely eggs to give to people. Getting more chickens would also be a lot easier short term - no need to rip up the fence, move the plants, re do the garden...
Cons: not really enough space for a climbing frame if we keep them, their pen is really muddy half the year or more, and the only solution I have found that is working in a place similar to mine is to put lots of fine gravel down - that makes it a bit permanent if I change my mind in a year or two and decide a bigger play area would be better - though I suppose could try sand first. They do take a little work to look after, but only a very little - it is an issue if we go on holiday though. Also if I change my mind about selling, having chickens in the yard might not be a selling point.
Putting it into perspective, I am quite pleased with myself for reaching a decision on the first two issues, and the chicken issue seems quite minor in comparison. Having worked out the other two, I feel confident I will reach a decision on this one soon too... Of course your wisdom is always welcome to help me with that!
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