So, when I wrote about looking forward to 2014, I really thought I had it sorted.
And then it slowly unravelled.
I really wanted to end the old year and start a new one with new goals, but it seems I am stuck with the life that I have. That's not so bad I suppose.
The first thing to go was the new house. I realised that a 3 bedroom house would be no good for us, unless there was a separate office too, as I have currently. We need a room for me, one for BB and ideally I want a spare one. One that will mean we have a room available if I decide to adopt or foster in the future, and a place where DD can stay when he visits. I looked at 4 bedroom places in the development I was looking at and there was a really nice one, but the price was higher and the location was right next to a raised, busy, dual carriageway.
I went back to the city twice more to try and find other places I might like to live - but I really couldn't. Where I am now is better. The preschool and infant school are really close and really good. The pre-school is officially 'outstanding' according to Ofsted. BB has friends from his current nursery that will be going there with him, so there is some continuity to staying here too. I would still like to move at some point, but maybe now is just not the time.
I also mentioned that I hadn't 100% let go of the idea of another baby. A couple of days before Christmas I found myself sobbing in the lounge after BB had gone to bed. Grieving the idea maybe. I found myself angry at DD and PP. It really felt like they weren't telling me the real truth. That they were just stringing me along and would next find another excuse if I hadn't given up. I thought again about using another donor and just doing it anyway. Their reasons just didn't make sense. If I did have another child with another donor, then the kids would be kept together if I died and they wouldn't have much chance of getting BB at all - but the reason not to donate was because they were worried about that... I decided to have another conversation with DD to see if I could get to the bottom of their decision - just to clarify it in my own mind, and then hopefully put it all to rest.
When DD arrived on Boxing day I launched at him with my questions. "What is your real reason?". He was quite taken aback and not exactly sure what I was going on about. He said that he and PP were really into it. That they had been talking about it and considering his nutrition etc. during their holiday. He had told PP after his last visit here that my responses to all his concerns had made him feel very much reassured and that he was all for it now.
He hadn't actually told me that though!
I had thought that everything I was saying made sense and should make him feel better, but I didn't know it had. That's why I couldn't understand his logic and thought he was just making excuses.
So TTC is back on then?
I think so. Well, yes, definitely. I am actually in the 2ww right now! I do feel the need to put a time limit on it again though. I don't want this to go on indefinitely. I need to move on at some point, though assisted conception is now back to being an option, so I need to make all those decisions again. Unless I get pregnant of course…
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