I have been delaying writing this post as my thoughts change from moment to moment - whatever I say now will be old news tomorrow! For the sake of my own pursuit of clarity though, here it is.
I did actually go to the appointment on Monday. I nearly cancelled it so many times, but finally I made it to the point when there was less that 2 working days notice before the appointment, so I couldn't!
Reasons why I nearly cancelled? I have a nice life, I am happy with BB, it's causing trouble with DD and PP, I am setting myself up for more emotional turmoil, I am not that rich, I am just starting to get on with my business, being pregnant is hard work, I might not cope with two kids, I might get twins or triplets, I might not get pregnant, I might miscarry, I might die in childbirth and leave BB behind, I might be sick in pregnancy and not a good Mum to BB
Reasons why I didn't? I really want BB to have a sibling, being pregnant is lovely, I feel I have enough love for one more, I feel scared of having all my eggs in one basket with just one - scared for me and for him - I might be over protective or smothering as a result, I want reassurance that I am physically OK anyway, I need an end to the what if?
So I went.
It is a nice clinic. Friendly people. Lovely old building.
The appointment was planned to be on CD2, so that I could have all the blood tests and scan etc. but AF decided not to show. I did have a consultation with the doctor though, and a physical examination. The good news is, as far as she can tell I am fine physically. The blood tests and scan will tell them about my egg quantity. She said given my age they will probably recommend IVF, which is what I was expecting her to say. She also said that statistically 90% of my eggs will be no good. I asked if they screen eggs for IVF and she said it is not routine, but an option for an extra £3000!
The cost is considerably more than I thought. Not for the basic stuff - that was clearly outlined on the website, but there are other incidental costs that could be quite high, such as if they have to inject the sperm into the egg which would be an extra £1275. The medications were also not included in the price I saw, and are estimated at £1500. There is even a possibility that I will have to pay extra if I use DD's reserves that are in their bank - apparently it is different as he then becomes a known donor and there are 3 years of storage costs that they may want compensating for (I think that's out of order personally - surely they factored that into the price of a vial!). The initial assessment will add up to £800+. It's pushing it out of my league really, one round of IVF could wipe out ALL of my savings if a couple of things go wrong and a couple of 'incidental' charges are added.
So I came back on the train on Monday a bit disheartened. A big part of me was telling me to just forget it now. Don't even bother with the next £600 worth of tests and scans. The fact that AF was late is a sign. Give up, save your money, enjoy want you have.
Then I thought, I should just do the tests anyway - so I know.
I expected that CD2 would be today (Weds).
But, I am really busy right now with work, conferences, training courses and all sorts. I was on holiday last week too, to add to the pressure. So I then started thinking that maybe its best to wait until next month. Maybe by then I will have decided not to bother, and so will save my £600. Also, the talk with DD and PP takes place at the end of November, so I could wait until after then, when I know what their thoughts are. That made lots of sense.
Then my thoughts changed to wanting to know all the results before that meeting - so we know where we stand.
I do have a sense of urgency.
AF didn't show up on Tuesday, so I spent that day thinking that Thursday might be test day. That could work? As long as I can take BB along. I was still thinking that this morning, in between the thoughts of not going at all!
This morning came - no AF. I was still being a bit cautious about my plans for Thursday though - she might show up. At lunch time I switched back to forget it - it's a sign. Its all a sign. The miscarriage was a sign, the timing is a sign, the universe is telling me to stop.
I made plans for Thursday.
Then late this afternoon she showed up. Within half an hour I'd made the appointment. How could I not? It's on Friday.
For the interested - the bloods I am having are FSH, LH, Oest, Prol, AMH.
The results should be available 2 weeks after that.
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