A few weeks ago I wrote about the fact that I was considering going to a clinic to see if it is possible for me to have another child. I mentioned that I felt like we gave up too easily. That maybe I should "Try again Mummy", as BB would say. I also noted that I feel there could have been mental reasons for me not getting pregnant. After the miscarriage I really began to doubt that my body is capable of carrying another healthy child to term. I sought confirmation through a Doctor, but could not be seen by the NHS due to the fact that I am single. If I am going to get that I have to go private.
I mentioned to DD that I was seriously considering this, and that I could use the clinic he donated at, so that he could be the donor if he wanted. It was one of those things we were going to talk about, but then didn't. I think he was waiting to see if I changed my mind, and for the right time to discuss it with his partner.
I was a bit surprised by the lack of enthusiasm. Until August we were all committed to a second child. One month later and they didn't seem so keen. The conversation never happened. I began to try and convince myself of all the reasons why one is best anyway. More money, better holidays, easier life, not having to get intimate with a syringe again, or be a huge clumsy pregnant lump... you know! With one I could date, travel, get my body back for me. I met someone who had one, then triplets(!), and was reminded how much work babies are too. One is good!
All of this, plus the hesitation from DD made me think that maybe I should accept it was just one for me. I even mentioned to a couple of friends that was where I was at. Both tried to encourage me to still do it if I really wanted. One of them was even able to quote some IVF prices for me to show me that it could be affordable.
Still I carried on down the path of one and done. On Tuesday and Wednesday of last week I got all the baby stuff from the loft and photographed it all ready to sell online. On Wednesday night I was too tired to list it and went to bed at the same time as BB. On Thursday I did the same. On Thursday though, I couldn't sleep. I was trying to work out what was wrong with me, and then at 11pm I had a thought. I could still have a child with a donor, even if DD is not interested in being that donor!
I had put it out of my mind, thinking that it would be unfair on the second child if BB had a dad and he or she didn't. I wouldn't be the first person to have children with two different Dads though - that happens all the time. People cope with that. And if I were to foster or adopt I'd still have that issue to deal with. It's not ideal. But in an ideal world I would be happily married and have two (or more) lovely kids with a wonderful full time Dad; we would be crazily in love, have perfect health, plenty of money, holidays in the sun and all live happily ever after. Sadly I didn't draw that card, but I can play the ones I have got however I like.
The problem with me is that I always want to please others, and most often put them before myself. This works fine most of the time, I am happy making others happy. But some times it works to my detriment and then I end up wishing things were different. I have become like that with DD and PP. I want then to be happy, pleased with what I am doing, how I am considering them etc etc. I want our relationship to stay harmonious. It would affect the family dynamic if I had another child that wasn't theirs, but is that enough to stop me from doing what I want? I have considered all this before. I have come to the realisation that if I did let them influence the number of children I have, I will resent them for it - which is not healthy, particularly as it is not them stopping me at all, but me stopping me because I think that's what they want - if you get my drift!
Once I came to the conclusion that I have no choice really but to give it a go, I felt heaps better. Suddenly my energy returned and was downstairs on the computer comparing clinics. The one my friend quoted is cheaper than the one where DD donated, but just to keep his options open for as long as possible I decided to go with that one anyway. There is a long way to go of course. I have to see if I am healthy enough to do it first, and then if I have any eggs. I know I can't afford donor eggs, so that will be the end of the journey if not. If I am healthy and I do have eggs then I have options to explore, and if the clinic have any of DD's donation left then it could be an option to use him as a donor, if he wants.
Lots of ifs.
Even if I find out that it's not possible I think I will feel better than I do now. At least then I will know that I have tried. My appointment is on 11th November, so not too long to wait.
It's not pretty here though.
I am not very good at being assertive, and it tends to come out aggressive if I ever do try and fight my own corner. I told DD about the conclusion that I came to, and though it seemed to go OK at first, I think I have opened a huge can of worms. I guess he feels like I am giving him some kind of ultimatum, and he is stuck between me and PP. I probably shouldn't have said anything at all until after I had been for the appointment and found out if it is even a possibility or not, but it wouldn't feel right to do it without letting him know. Sometimes I can be too open though - and if I find out that its not possible I will have put everybody through this anguish for nothing, so perhaps I should have kept it to myself for a while.
Last night, after quite a long text exchange with DD, I was ready to give it all up, cancel the appointment and say "OK, I'll stick with one", just to make the uncomfortable feelings go away. But the cold light of day reminds me that they wont go away - they'll just fester. I just have to ride the waves and see this through.
Writing this post is part of my way of making myself stick with it. To value what I want, both for me and for BB, through the next two uncomfortable weeks. Now that you know I have an appointment, I can't buckle under the turmoil I have caused and cancel it.
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