So, I am in my last ever two week wait, and I'm feeling good about it too - whatever happens.
I have been on a bit of a journey over the last couple of weeks, hence the lack of personal posts whilst I sorted my head out a bit. I was feeling like I was totally out of control of everything; how much money we have, where we live, how many children I have. Part of regaining control was to tell myself that there would be no more TTC regardless... originally we said this would be our last cycle - then there was the chance that it might not happen. I didn't want to delay, I have a strong urge to get on with whatever the future is, plus I am nearly 42! So I told myself last time was it and then began to plan...
In my plan we move back to Australia in 2 years, BB goes to a lovely little Steiner School, I get to reunite with some great friends, several of whom have kids around BB's age or just a little older. I get a rewarding, purposeful and well paid job once more and we live a happy life in the sunny desert until BB gets to around 10 or 11, when we move to the coast! We have enough money to return to the UK every Christmas, and DD visits us mid year each year.
I began to think about what I need to do to make that real. It is possible. I need to stop spending our savings though. I am currently working for about a tenth of what I used to earn per hour, which is crazy when my time is ten times more precious now that I have child to raise. So I have made a few changes to how am working, and upped my rates - so far so good.
When DD announced that he would be available for the last try after all I wasn't so sure about. I had become a little attached to my new life plan. Plus I am surrounded by pregnant people at the moment, both online and in real life, so I am being reminded of how hard it actually is to be pregnant. I wasn't sure that's what I wanted to do anymore. I had also started to get a glimpse of having myself back too, I think there is a window after having a baby when you think another one would be great - you have forgotten what it is like to be you and the hormones are still making you all loved up. Perhaps I am past that now as it no longer seemed like a must do thing.
But sometimes it's hard to know yourself, right? Is it what I really wanted but I was just trying to make myself feel better about the alternatives. Was I just scared? I don't want another miscarriage, or for BB to have a sibling with special needs. Was I being selfish and just wanting my body/mind/time back for me a bit more?
Also, on the other side of the coin, could I live with it if I was the reason BB was an only child. He is so very sociable, he loves having other people around, I have no doubt that he would love a sibling.
And so my plan was to delay the decision. I dutifully peed on a stick and inserted it into the fertility monitor every day. When DD arrived at the weekend we had a big discussion, mostly about all the reasons that it would be good for us to just have one. Mean while the fertility monitor was flat - low fertility, even on day 16. It's usually high by day 11! I wondered if this was cause or effect. Am I not feeling like TTC because I am too old and no longer ovulating? Or is it my mind controlling my body? (I have always had a really regular, predictable and healthy ovulatory cycle).
On Saturday though a thought started to creep into my head. Maybe we should try this anyway. Maybe my body is going to ovulate late, to give a girl a chance perhaps, or simply just to mature the eggs and build a good lining. Maybe....
On Sunday the monitor was high. I was pretty excited about that. I told DD and he was too. There was no question, we had to try it! So, our last ever AI was on Sunday afternoon. I got my peak on the monitor on Monday, so I am now 2 dpo. Our timing turned out to be good. We are realistically in with a chance. Whatever happens I am happy.
It feels good. It feels like we stopped at the right time. It feels like our little family will have a good life whatever happens. And even though it's now all over to mother nature, I do feel like I am back in control of my life again.
Life is good.
Now, to retain the serenity for the next two weeks...