Just in case the title didn't give it away - I'm not pregnant.
But I think that's OK.
We did originally have one more try planned after this, but then it was put in doubt when I was told that PP may have other plans for DD that weekend. My response to that was forget about the last try and declare TTC over, regardless of wether PP changed his mind or not. I wanted it to be my decision when we stopped, not his.
This is mostly so I don't resent PP forever. That wouldn't be healthy! He is really great and important part of our family. But I am already trying to forgive him for stopping the TTC process the month that we were most primed - I really did feel that was our month (although we'll never know, health wise and mentally, both DD and I were totally focussed on that goal, and both times that happened before we got pregnant, and so many things in the universe were aligned regarding the due date that baby would have, etc etc...). Then there's the fact that he wont even entertain the idea of going to Australia, even for a while, so he has a lot of power over where BB and I are going to live in the future, if BB is to continue having a Dad in his life that is. If our last chance at trying to create a sibling for BB was also due to him I think it would tip the balance to being just a little more than I could handle.
So, after a couple of days of wondering if this was the last time or not I was driving myself mental with the not knowing and feeling once again at the mercy of PP. So I decided to end my anguish now, call it quits and move on. My brain soon adjusted to the new known future. I will be able to provide more for BB. We can travel more easily, we won't need a bigger house, or a bigger car, we will be able to survive on less money, I won't have to be pregnant again, or give birth again, getting my body back for me is closer (though BB shows no sign of giving up breastfeeding yet), a proper night's sleep is more likely, I can start selling all the baby clutter around the place, I can continue to build my business, I could foster an older girl in a couple of years maybe, or do some sort of respite care with young teens perhaps. I could even start dating!
I am liking this new path.
BB is quite sociable and interacts well with other kids. I can continue to encourage that, and do other things to make sure that he doesn't grow up thinking the universe revolves around him. I am sad for him that he wont have a sibling, but it's not the end of the world, there are even some advantages.
AF arrived on Friday, and so for a moment I knew my future. I was no longer in limbo and it felt good.
Then yesterday I get a message from DD, about trying again next month.
He is available after all.
But I'm not sure I want to do it now.
In fact, deep down I really think I don't.
But can I live with the what if?
Am I ready to declare myself One and Done?
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