Sunday, August 18, 2013

I think I might be one and done!

Just in case the title didn't give it away - I'm not pregnant.

Again.

But I think that's OK.

We did originally have one more try planned after this, but then it was put in doubt when I was told that PP may have other plans for DD that weekend. My response to that was forget about the last try and declare TTC over, regardless of wether PP changed his mind or not. I wanted it to be my decision when we stopped, not his.

This is mostly so I don't resent PP forever. That wouldn't be healthy! He is really great and important part of our family. But I am already trying to forgive him for stopping the TTC process the month that we were most primed - I really did feel that was our month (although we'll never know, health wise and mentally, both DD and I were totally focussed on that goal, and both times that happened before we got pregnant, and so many things in the universe were aligned regarding the due date that baby would have, etc etc...). Then there's the fact that he wont even entertain the idea of going to Australia, even for a while, so he has a lot of power over where BB and I are going to live in the future, if BB is to continue having a Dad in his life that is. If our last chance at trying to create a sibling for BB was also due to him I think it would tip the balance to being just a little more than I could handle.

So, after a couple of days of wondering if this was the last time or not I was driving myself mental with the not knowing and feeling once again at the mercy of PP. So I decided to end my anguish now, call it quits and move on. My brain soon adjusted to the new known future. I will be able to provide more for BB. We can travel more easily, we won't need a bigger house, or a bigger car, we will be able to survive on less money, I won't have to be pregnant again, or give birth again, getting my body back for me is closer (though BB shows no sign of giving up breastfeeding yet), a proper night's sleep is more likely, I can start selling all the baby clutter around the place, I can continue to build my business, I could foster an older girl in a couple of years maybe, or do some sort of respite care with young teens perhaps. I could even start dating!

I am liking this new path.

BB is quite sociable and interacts well with other kids. I can continue to encourage that, and do other things to make sure that he doesn't grow up thinking the universe revolves around him. I am sad for him that he wont have a sibling, but it's not the end of the world, there are even some advantages.

AF arrived on Friday, and so for a moment I knew my future. I was no longer in limbo and it felt good.

Then yesterday I get a message from DD, about trying again next month.

He is available after all.

But I'm not sure I want to do it now.

In fact, deep down I really think I don't.

But can I live with the what if?

Am I ready to declare myself One and Done?


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9 comments:

  1. I don't envy you your decision - like you said, there's pros and cons on both sides, and neither outweighs the other...it's just which pros feel the best in the end. good luck!

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  2. I so know this torment, the back and forth about a second baby. For me it was much more fraught than deciding to have the first baby. I hope whatever you decide feels right and good for you and BB.

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  3. I know - and just when I think I decided I change my mind. Your little bump photo is lovely! I want one of those!

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  4. I think I might just have to give it a go and let fate decide - too big a decision for me!

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  5. If it were me, I'd have to go for it. I would alway wonder what if. My vote (as if I have one, lol!) is go for it & let fate decide...

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  6. Well yes you do have a vote - that's why I posted. Sure cant make the decision by myself - never was any good at decision making! I am leaning towards the same conclusion as you though. It is however possible that DD wont be back from his holidays in time, which would make the decision for us, but I am using the monitor, taking my supplements, and keeping track of everything, just in case!

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  7. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Golden_syrup

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  8. PP is French. He doesn't like to be told what to do. It's in their genetic makeup. He knows that at some point he has to go to oz but as someone who works in fashion, he's not sure that oz is the place to further his career. Plus, with access to houses in Paris, the Loire valley and the alps, it's a comfy lifestyle to give up. It was unfortunate that PP freaked out, but he was dealing with some mighty issues at the time. Let's pray it's something BB doesn't have to do the same.

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  9. Looking back on this, it is an old post with regard to the emotional journey I have been on since. I am still happy with one - there are lots of advantages to being 'one and done' but still, I'm not quite ready to give up on the idea of double blissfulness yet!

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