So, as most of you know I used a known donor who we call DD. We met through a mutual friend and spent lots of time working up a legal agreement. He wanted to be known as Dad, and be a part of BB's life which I am happy with. We have a legal agreement which states that he is a donor and that I have sole responsibility for BB. Everything is at my discretion.
The thing that I was most concerned about when I started to consider DD as my donor (as opposed to an anonymous one from a sperm bank) was the impact it would have on my freedom to live where I choose. Coming back to the UK was only ever a temporary measure. I wanted to spend some time with my parents whilst I still had the chance, and I wanted my child(ren) to have the opportunity to know them too. My bond with my grandparents was very important to me - you just don't get that on Skype! However, I think growing up in Australia would be far better than in the UK. The education system is less screwed up to start with, and there is the outdoors, there is stuff for kids to do other than underage drinking. Its a much more laid back culture, more fun, more positive (I think the sun has a lot to do with it), less apathy, less crime. For me there are higher wages, my career is there, some of my best friends are there, I could provide more opportunities and a better life for BB. Also, I left my heart in the MacDonnell Ranges. It is hard to describe how I am emotionally attached to that land, but I am connected by some invisible chord that is currently calling me 'home'.
|View of Mount Gillen from my regular early morning walk in Alice|
I am now fairly certain that wont happen. PP (DD's partner) is French and has a very low opinion of Australia as it 'lacks culture'. He also works in fashion, and feels that there is therefore no suitable work for him in Australia. He wants to live in France. DD wants to be wherever PP is, and he likes France too.
We have talked in the past about living closer to each other. They wanted me to move closer to them, which I have seriously researched and considered, but I can't really afford to go any closer to London without getting a big mortgage and a full time, hectic job. I don't think that is in BB's best interests right now, but I would consider it in the future, if I could get a decent job. They also said that they would move north of the city to get a bit closer still. It would be nice if DD was close by and could just visit for a day or a few hours even, rather than him having to uproot himself every two weeks and me having a house guest every two weeks. I thought that was the way we were headed, but apparently not any more. Now they are seriously thinking France, and from what I can gather, the sooner the better.
France is not an option for me. My high school French wont get me far career wise. There is nothing in France that attracts me - I have family and friends here, and my heart, friends and a career in Oz. I think it's probably one of those two for me.
There is also this phenomenon that is commonly talked about regarding how men and women see children and partners. Apparently men usually see the partner as the most important person, and who they should take care of, and women focus mostly on the children. This has come up a lot for us. I remember when BB was first born and DD had to leave I cried for him each time, thinking how awful it must be to leave your child. The thing is it wasn't bad for him at all - he just wanted to get home to PP. Once he explained that to me it was fine - I stopped feeling sad for him. That same thing comes up a lot
Although DD has stopped thinking about the move back to Oz, I haven't. In fact as BB gets older and I start thinking about getting a real job again, Australia is where I focus my energy, as I can earn more there and I have a professional history and reputation - the odds here are not great right now. We had a bit of a discussion the other day and DD said I should go if I wanted, and that although he loves BB, PP is more important to him. That really hurt at first - poor BB. I (as a woman who always puts the kids first) just can't see how it is possible to even think that way when it comes to your own child. But if I try to be rational it is to be expected. He did sign up to this as a donor who was known to the child and called Dad and nothing more.
The thing is BB loves his dad. Every morning he knocks on the door of the room where DD sleeps when he visits, and calls for Dad. Every time we see a motorbike or a train, it's Dad. Things around the house that Dad did, or that are Dad's etc. and it's Dad, Dad... I think he would be devastated not to have regular contact with his Dad. I want to do what is best for BB, and I think knowing Dad is important, but how far should I go? When DD goes to France we will see him less, but if we stayed in the UK we would see him more than if we move to Oz. Should I stay here just so that we can see him slightly more often? DD and PP will be doing what they want regardless of us - but I can I go to Oz regardless of them? What is best for BB? to grow up in Australia or the UK? with Dad in a country nearby or on the other side of the planet? If we live here, how do I explain that his dad would rather live in a different country to him? If we live in Oz, how do I justify my decision to take him to the opposite side of the planet? How do I navigate this one?
If I do manage to get pregnant we have some grace. I will stay here for the early years anyway I think - but if I don't have a second child, I am thinking it would be ideal to be settled somewhere by the time BB starts school.
Your thoughts please!
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