Sunday, May 26, 2013

Not Pregnant - again

Not pregnant again!

I was expecting it for the last few days. My temperature started dropping on Thursday. My nausea also went away when I stopped eating dairy.

With regard to the dairy, I am feeling pretty much back to normal today, but it did take a few days for my energy to return. In fairness I probably went a bit crazy when I started eating dairy again - I think I had ice cream every night from Friday to Monday, then a ton of cheese on Monday too. I guess it was good in a way - I tested it thoroughly through my over indulgence! It has made me wonder if it is dairy and not wheat after all - I often eat them together, cheese and biscuit, bread and butter... perhaps I should test wheat again. I am pretty sick of it though. Just eating the Whole 30 way works for me, so I am going to stick to that for a while.

With regard to CD1 - I am pretty much over them too! I did just order another pack of test sticks for the fertility monitor, and will try at least one more time, but really, I am starting to feel ready to give up and move on. If you remember I had planned to see my GP, but then got sick. Having waited until AF to rebook, it turns out the earliest appointment I can get now is June 17th. That will be pointless - I will be in the 2WW, so I went ahead and booked an appointment for 27th June, when the wait will be over for another month. I can always cancel if a miracle occurs, or if I do decide to give up.

Having tracked my temperatures this month and my cycle looks text book - I really don't think there is any physical reason why it shouldn't happen. Unless it's him of course! An FF buddy suggested I try an instead cup, (see here for how to use) so I ordered some of those too.

My thoughts might be the problem. I just don't believe that I can do it. I really can't imagine that I will ever successfully birth another healthy child. I think its that strong feeling that it's not going to happen that is making me think we may as well give up now. But there is also part of me that wonders if that is a defence mechanism, to stop me being quite so disappointed every time. I wonder if I will regret it if I don't continue. I also hope that I am surprised with a BFP, but I also dread it as I am scared that I will miscarry again, or that there will be something wrong with the child and we will have to make a difficult decision, or that I wont be able to look after BB properly while I am pregnant, and even that I will die in childbirth and leave BB. Does anyone else have these crazy thoughts or is it just me. I don't rememeber feeling like this when I got pregnant last time, before the miscarriage. Maybe it is still that affecting me!

Anyway - enough of that. On a lighter note, other things are good. The garden in coming on. I planted out the beans, courgettes and butternut squash yesterday, and lined the paths with marigolds on Wednesday.

BB has two lost of exciting news. The first is that he has a new house (which he says with an Aussie accent!) that he is really enjoying.


It was half price and Grandma and Gramps bought it for his early birthday present. English summer being as it is, he is has it early to get the most from it! On the day it arrived it was raining, but Grandma and I assembled it (minus the door which Gramps fitted yesterday) and and he played in it anyway - inside you don't get wet! It's also a great place to park your "motorbike".


His other news is that today he did his first wee on the potty! We have had a "pourty"for a while. He sits on it every night for a split second before he gets in the bath, then he gets in the bath, and usually the first thing he does is a wee! Every time I say to him, "you know you could have done that in the potty!"  but it never happens. A couple of times when he has been nappy free and a little bit of wee accidentally came out he has gone to his potty, but still never managed to actually use it, though it did reassure me that he did actually know what the potty was for!  Anyway, this morning he got up, said "wee" and went and sat on his potty. So I took of his PJ's and nappy and he sat down and it actually happened! This afternoon he did it again - several times in a row, just a few drops each time. He seems far more impressed with the idea of pouring the wee into the loo than he is with the fact that he actually did it though, which spells "mess ahead" to me, but still, it is a great sign that he is actually getting ready to toilet train. 

Other good news is that the weather is glorious - that always has to be celebrated when you are in Britain!

4 comments:

  1. Well done BB on the potty win! That's very impressive. F has started hiding behind chairs when he does a poo these days. I've placed the potty where he generally hides, but he's got exactly zero interest in using it.

    I'm sorry this cycle didn't work out. About the crazy thoughts - I could have written exactly the same thing when I was pregnant with F, and some of it even with R. Right up to the very last few weeks I still couldn't believe the pregnancy/our family would work out. I think the first pregnancy is like a mirage, and maybe when you've done it once you truly 'get' what a miracle it is. Wishing you peace with whatever unfolds from here.

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  2. Sorry you didn't get you BFP. You seem to have. Positive outlook otherwise, so I'm really hoping you get to cancel your next scheduled appointment.

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  3. Yeah for wee on the potty!!! Great milestone!

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  4. I'm so sorry for the BFN.

    But yay for the wees on the potty! Finn loves the pouring process, too. LOL

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