This is one of those posts where I feel like I shouldn't be writing it. The emotions are too raw and frantic. Then I remember this is part of the reason I blog! To sort it out in my head and get the support of my 'friends'.
At about 4 am I woke and saw a message on my phone from DD saying that there will be no TTC this weekend! Apparently his partner isn't ready for that and thinks they need to discuss the consequences for their relationship first! What can I do? Nothing! Yes of course they should have that discussion, but then again I can't see how a second is really going to make much difference to how things are already. His partner is great and I would absolutely hate for this to destroy their relationship. He has been amazingly generous to let us have one child - I have always thought that. I am not sure I could be so generous if it were my partner. Perhaps he didn't realise what he was getting into the first place, and now he knows what its like. Still, if DD is visiting one child it won't take up any more of his time to see a second while he is here.
It's such a blow - I have always wanted 2 since I began this journey. I was an only child for 10 years before my sisters came along and so I know both sides of the situation. Initially I was planning to give birth to the first and then adopt a second, but when DD came a long those plans had to change. If he was going to be an active Dad to one child it would make it hard on the second. He is an active Dad!
So where does this leave me? There are tons of things going round in my head. After the miscarriage I had a bit of a wobble and wondered if I could really go through with the whole thing again, but I have recovered from that. I was all set. Now what happens? I am 41! If I am going to adopt I should have started the process months ago, if I am going through a clinic I need to get that sorted too. Or is it unfair on the second child if BB has a Dad and s/he doesn't? I think, knowing DD, he would adopt a Dad like relationship with that child anyway, so how would that make it any different from his partner's side? Does this mean that his partner is effectively going to dictate that I have no more children and BB is to be an only child? Should I let that happen? Can I?
I am a mess. There is so much to consider. It's making losing BB2 hard all over again. Now I feel like I'm losing BB3 too.
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