Friday, January 11, 2013

Spanner in the works!

This is one of those posts where I feel like I shouldn't be writing it. The emotions are too raw and frantic. Then I remember this is part of the reason I blog! To sort it out in my head and get the support of my 'friends'.

At about 4 am I woke and saw a message on my phone from DD saying that there will be no TTC this weekend! Apparently his partner isn't ready for that and thinks they need to discuss the consequences for their relationship first! What can I do? Nothing! Yes of course they should have that discussion, but then again I can't see how a second is really going to make much difference to how things are already. His partner is great and I would absolutely hate for this to destroy their relationship. He has been amazingly generous to let us have one child - I have always thought that. I am not sure I could be so generous if it were my partner. Perhaps he didn't realise what he was getting into the first place, and now he knows what its like. Still, if DD is visiting one child it won't take up any more of his time to see a second while he is here.

It's such a blow - I have always wanted 2 since I began this journey. I was an only child for 10 years before my sisters came along and so I know both sides of the situation. Initially I was planning to give birth to the first and then adopt a second, but when DD came a long those plans had to change. If he was going to be an active Dad to one child it would make it hard on the second. He is an active Dad!

So where does this leave me? There are tons of things going round in my head. After the miscarriage I had a bit of a wobble and wondered if I could really go through with the whole thing again, but I have recovered from that. I was all set. Now what happens? I am 41! If I am going to adopt I should have started the process months ago, if I am going through a clinic I need to get that sorted too. Or is it unfair on the second child if BB has a Dad and s/he doesn't? I think, knowing DD, he would adopt a Dad like  relationship with that child anyway, so how would that make it any different from his partner's side? Does this mean that his partner is effectively going to dictate that I have no more children and BB is to be an only child? Should I let that happen? Can I?

I am a mess. There is so much to consider. It's making losing BB2 hard all over again. Now I feel like I'm losing BB3 too.

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  1. I understand. It's all so complicated, isn't it? Sometimes I envy those gals that get knocked up on accident in their twenties, have their children, and then they're done.

    1. Yeah me too! I was always so cautious to be sure that didn't happen to me too.

  2. Groan - I REALLY feel for you. Try to take a breath (haha! easier said than done!) - DD's partner is going through so much himself with other things, maybe this is just a step too far for him AT THE MOMENT. Hopefully things will work out though, and yes you are 41 but there is probably still time (think of me! ;-) )
    Sending big hugs and you know where I am if you need me x

    1. Yes you're right, there is a lot going on for him. But I thought he wanted BB to have a sibling for the exact reason that he doesn't and so is in it alone right now. Thanks for the hugs, hope to see you soon x

  3. Okay, second time lucky.
    What I wanted to say is that I'm sending you hugs and helping you breathe right now. I hear you that this is raw and hideous and not at all what you planned.
    However, what I do want to say is that you need to stop and think about where you were three years ago. You didn't have DD at all yet you were going to go on this journey regardless and you made such a wonderful decision that you should be proud of.
    You have a beautiful rainbow family with all these wonderful arms and dimensions that love and care for you and BB1. Like a kaleidescope, nothing is solid, it's fluid and it changes constantly, it evolves. If you adopt or choose to get pregnant with an anonymous donor, why would that child be any the less loved by anyone in your community. You have a wonderful village raising that wee lad and they would just open their arms wider still to accept BB3, however s/he came about to be with you. Try to open your heart to understand how DD's partner might feel right now, perhaps it does feel a little more settled or invasive for there to be two from his perspective?

    I don't know, I suppose I'm seeing it from a heterosexual point of view if it were my partner, and therefore feel why would it be different if I were gay ? E, my lovely, lovely friend and mama, you will work this out somehow and you will find peace with whatever you decide. If you need to talk or shout or cry, you know where I am. Love you xxx

  4. I can't relate, as I used donor sperm...but I agree with you in the sense that DD has already gifted you with one will a second one make any difference? However if it's not going to happen, why not spend some of your down time perusing the donor profiles to find some you like. You are 41 and want another baby. If you can't convince DD to help you again, help yourself! Good luck!

  5. I feel for you. I'm in a totally different place than you but have a hard time knowing I will only have one live child. Being in th limbo you are now must be so hard. I wish I had advice or a solution. I'm sorry