Monday, January 14, 2013

Sad

I am feeling very sad today. I think at the weekend I didn't really have time to think. At first I was shocked, then annoyed, then angry (both at PP and at myself for going the KD route and so exposing us to this risk), then I started focusing on alternatives, so All in all my mind was busy. Then after speaking with DD on Saturday there was hope again. He thought he might be able to visit on Sunday if he spoke with PP again that night. But I heard nothing more. No visit, no text, no phone call. I still haven't heard how discussions are going. With the busyness over, the reality sinking in and the lack of communication, today I just feel empty and sad. I have cried a lot.

I felt ovulation yesterday which is a rare thing for me. It was horrible to know that a precious egg was going to waste. I was so primed for it too, having spent six weeks preparing for that moment, both physically with the diet, and mentally, having accepted the loss of BB2 and become ready to take the journey again. I was convinced it was our month. It's probably not rational but today I am feeling like I missed my last chance. Even if by some miracle PP changes his mind and we do get to try again and I do get pregnant and the pregnancy does not end in miscarriage, (so many ifs) I would be a minimum of 42 when the baby was born. The odds just aren't good are they!

I knew our chances were slim even before this happened. I was prepared to give it 3 tries, and if I didn't get pregnant, accept it and move on. I also decided that it there was another miscarriage to accept it then too. Maybe there are just too many signs that this wasn't meant to be.

The whole episode has also given new life to the old idea of adopting. I am wondering if perhaps this is the path I should be taking. It was what I originally planned. There are lots of things going for it. Giving a home to one of the many children already on the planet that need one, not having to be pregnant at 42 and looking after a 2 1/2 year old at the same time, not having to go through the whole process of getting pregnant (I am sure that's much more fun in a normal situation, but lets face it, it is not fun with a syringe!), I wouldn't have to put my body through it all again. Of course the adoption route would be an emotional roller coaster too, I do realise that, and there may be different challenges to face.

I think I mentioned somewhere back in a post about losing BB2 that I just wanted that pregnancy to be over (though of course not in the way that it was! - I felt very guilty for those thoughts after the miscarriage). I did love being pregnant with BB, but actually I am not all that keen on being pregnant again - I just want what is at the end of that journey. Maybe this too is a sign that I am off the my path by pursuing pregnancy when I could be adopting.

DD might be disappointed though. I am not sure how he would feel. He did say that the most important thing to him is a sibling for BB. I do want to take his wishes into consideration too, but there is only so long I can hang around in limbo waiting for them to decide my destiny. If they get it sorted soon, perhaps I will give the second and third of cycles that I had in mind a try. Maybe I could even be persuaded for another one after, seeing as we missed the first, but maybe not too - that would be a baby born in 2014, the year I turn 43. It just seems too old.

Meanwhile, as I wait for them to decide what they want, I feel the need to do something myself. To bring some form of control of my own and BB's futures back into my own hands. I have just filled in an online form to my local authority to register my interest, and to receive info packs on both adoption and permanent fostering.


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4 comments:

  1. Have text - all OK with PP which is great news. will see how it all settles. Good night!

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  2. Glad you got good news and also had the chance to think it all through for yourself and to consider what you want.

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  3. It's been so hard for me to come to terms with changing course, I can't imagine how hard it must be to be in such a state of unknown. Sounds like a good idea to start looking at adoption as a possible option.

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  4. This seems such the emotional rollercoaster for you right now. Looking into adoption right now certainly won't hurt. Take care & good luck

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