Saturday, January 12, 2013

BB Will Be a Brother Somehow

Thanks everyone who commented on my dilemma of yesterday. It's great to know you are out there and that you understand.

Just to clarify, it's not that I blame the partner (I am going to call him PP from now on to make things easier) at all. As I said, it was amazingly generous of him to let us have one child in the first place, and he is a great guy. I really don't think I could do it if I were in his situation. I do understand how hard it must be for him, and at the moment he is too busy caring for his own mum to be able to spend time in 'our' family, so he is both distracted and distanced.

However great PP is though, BB comes first. One thing I really want for BB is a sibling. I was an only child for 10 years and then I got sisters, so I have experience of both sides. Siblings are great (even if a bit annoying at times!). I want BB to grow up with someone else. I have also seen my mum as an only child have the burden of her aged parents all to herself. That's part of the reason I returned home, to support her with that. PP himself is an only child with a very sick mother right now, that's why we haven't seen him for months, and another reminder that BB needs a sibling. Yesterday was also the day that BB2 would have reached the magic 24 week milestone, so that was on my mind too. We could have had it done already.

My dilemma was that if it bothered PP so much if DD and I were to have another child, surely it would bother him just as much if I had one myself, either through another donor or by adoption, as there would still be another child in the family that DD would be 'dadlike' to (knowing him and how he is with all kids he wouldn't be able to help himself, that's just how his is!).  That made me feel a bit like I shouldn't do it at all if they were PP's wishes, and that is why I was asking myself if I were going to let him dictate what I do.

As the day went on yesterday with that in my head I realised that it wasn't a feasible option to let that happen. I would just resent him for it, and that is not healthy when he is DD's partner, and BB's God Father, and so likely in my life forever more.  So I decided I will have to find a way and hope he understands. After all, it wasn't actually him stopping me was it, it was me, thinking that he wasOnce I realised that, I decided I would look for other options, and it all felt much better.

I researched some clinics and it is great news there. When I last looked, back in 2009/10 there were only a few places in the UK that worked with single women, now most of them do. Age could be my barrier now rather than my singleness - some only go to 38, others 40, some 42, then a few at 44 and above. Prior to DD coming on the scene the plan was always to adopt a second anyway. I have no problem with there being no biological relationship (in fact it took me a while to get used to the idea that I would have to do it all a second time rather than adopt), and let's face it - I wouldn't be the first woman in the world to have a 2 kids by 2 different men, or to adopt a child!

Adoption also means there is no rush with my age. Even if it takes until BB is 5 he could still have possibly have a sibling within 2 years of his age. I looked on several adoption websites and there are lots of kids in need of a family. When I first started researching how I was going to become a mum, adoption was my first thought, but at that time it was actually easier to adopt as a single mum if you already had a child. I am not sure if that is still the case, I guess it gives them something to work with in regard to wether or not you can cope on your own. I have also chatted with people who have experience of adopting or being adopted with a sibling of the same age, which is a really interesting option that I think could work quite nicely.

Anyway, I spoke to DD tonight and after all that, it may be the case that PP will change his mind. They are talking out his concerns and we will see what happens. It would be great to have another child together, but it would be great to give a home and family to someone who needs it too. Although if I am going to get pregnant myself I do feel the need to get on with it due to my advancing age and the fact that I would like the kids to be as close in age as possible, the adoption option gives us time to get things right without anyone feeling the pressure.

So, crisis averted! Thanks to friends (IRL and online, both here and at FF), family and 24 hours thinking time! Pin It Now!

3 comments:

  1. Where there's a will, there's a way! I know you'll make it happen. It's hard to get used to not having things go as we pictured - but as single women choosing to have children, I guess we're kind of used to that!

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  2. How stressful, trying to figure all this out after you thought it was settled.

    Wishing you the best of luck as you get it all sorted out - hoping for a little brother or sister for BB very soon!

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  3. Glad to read you've got hope & plans. Wishing for you the best outcome

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