Thursday, November 8, 2012

Moving on, to BB3?

After a bit of time wallowing in the wilderness, I am now starting to think about the possibility of BB3.

It's not as been as simple as I thought.

I've always known I wanted two children (well, originally it was 4, but I accept I am a bit too late for that now!). I was an only child for over ten years and really wanted a sibling all that time (then thankfully, I got two, in less that two years!). I want BB to have someone to play with and squabble with, to love and annoy. To care for. To be there for him when I am gone.

My initial plan, before I met DD, was to carry the first myself, and then adopt a second. Now that we have DD though that no longer feels like an option. How could I have one child with a Dad and one without? That wouldn't be fair, especially when DD and his family are such a big part of BB's life.

I was totally convinced to try for a second when we tried for BB2. There was no question in my mind as to whether it was the right thing or not. I wanted BB2. I wanted my children to be close (less than 2 years) in age. I wanted to get pregnant and have that baby ASAP.

Words of comfort offered when I lost BB2 often included the phrase 'you can try again'. I know. I can. Many people have many losses and carry on trying again and again, and go on to raise healthy happy children. I admire that strength to keep going, now more than ever. I reeled at the phrase though. In some ways it felt like they were dismissing the situation. That was my baby, not a knitting project or a new recipe, but my child, BB2. There could never be an again for BB2. This was it. A life which sadly ended before it really began. I know things didn't feel right with the pregnancy form the start, that everything happens for a reason, that it was meant to be. I have come to terms with it now I think, but still, do I try again?

My mind shifts all the time. Often I think that I don't want to go through all that again, that I am too old,  that I am lucky to have one gorgeous, happy, healthy child. We have a great life together. We go lots of places, and do lots of things. Things that would be harder, if not impossible, with two children. In some ways I can offer him a better life as only child.

My trapped nerve also made me think I am too old, that this is a sign. I could never have managed, even with only BB, without my mum. She is approaching her 70's. Is it fair on her to have another? I have recently heard of a couple of old friends my age that have had children with down's. It makes you think.

However, it is now CD4 of my first cycle since the miscarriage. My arm is getting better every day, and the latest prognosis is that I should regain full sensation in my hand with 4 months. I have found a good and reasonably priced massage therapist and have committed to regular treatment to keep my body in line and prevent this happening again. Whilst I have no intention of trying this cycle, (really not ready, physically or mentally) I am starting to think that it is time to reel myself in. I think its time to cleanse and purify my body once again, to get my self in order, to focus and prepare.

Image from http://masteringhealthandfitness.com/focus/
 And maybe TTC BB3 next month!


4 comments:

  1. I could totally relate to your post. I agree that just one child we could do so much together. My thing was I don't want to leave SR with no family and hopefully it will enrich her life. And no one will replace BB2. I get that.

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  2. Yes you're right. I agree. I do want BB to have family and it will be enriching. It is the right thing for him in the long run.

    I think I am just sacred. But i was scared before when I began to think about having a baby by myself, and then when I began to consider a known donor... I got through that before and hopefully I will do it again. I think if I focus on restoring my own health I will feel more confident that I can look after another someone else!

    Thanks for understanding. I know you have been through exactly the same process. It's great to have you there as an inspiration of where I could be in a couple of months time! Sticky wishes to you.

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  3. People can be so dismissive of an early term miscarriage. They don't seem to realize or understand that 8 weeks (in my case) or 10 weeks were spent dreaming of this future child, building hopes & making plans. BB3 definitely wouldn't replace BB2.

    It's a tough decision to make. For me it was very hard to come to terms with only having 1 child & believe me, if my circumstances changed in the slightest, I'd change my mind in a heartbeat. Best of luck to you in your deciding.

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  4. Thanks Tiara, it is a hard one!

    I think people were trying to be encouraging, but...

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