Thursday, October 4, 2012

The body knows!

The news from the ultrasound is that my womb is totally empty. Although devastating this is the best news I could have hoped for after Tuesday's events. At least I don't have to take any nasty drugs, or go through a D&C procedure.

As you can probably imagine, I have been through a lot emotionally since I was last here. One of the most significant thought processes is the revelation that I knew so much all along. Right from the very beginning I found it hard to believe that I was really pregnant. I never really felt pregnant. I wrote a bit about it here and have confided in a few people that I was anxious for the first scan to see if everything was ok.

After making it to 9 weeks and seeing the midwife for my booking appointment I finally began to believe it. Feeling so tired and ill in the last week or so also made me start to believe it. One thing that I still couldn't resolve though was the sex of the baby. With BB I had a strong feeling that he was a boy, right from the beginning. With BB2 there was confusion. I really felt that it was a girl, but that didn't compute as whenever I thought of BB and the baby together, they were "the boys". 

As I lay in A&E on Tuesday I suddenly came to me that this baby was a girl. Thinking about this last night in bed, it makes sense with my previous confusion about the sex. I now truly believe that BB2 was a girl, and that the reason I could not see BB and her together was because she would not make it into this world. Thinking that I have lost my daughter feels much worse than just an 'unknown' baby, so I am not sure it's an entirely healthy thought, but I can't shake it. I guess it's all just part of coming to terms with loss and processing my grief. 

Physically I am doing OK. I have an enormous headache which I think is a combination of detoxing, crying, and lack of sleep, but I am drinking lots of water and taking my vital greens, so hopefully I will flush the nasties out soon. I think I will sleep better tonight too. 

Finally, I am really grateful to all of you. It is odd in many ways that I have shared the whole pregnancy with so few people in real life, but with the world via the internet. You have been an amazing support and comfort. Thank you for accompanying me on this journey. I hope to be Blissful again soon. 


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4 comments:

  1. :( I am so sorry, deep inside I was hoping to visit your blog and find good news as I am sure were you. It will be a long road to recovery, if ever, you will always remember this feeling and these days but that doesn't meant tha you are allowed to give up, you hear me, you can't! I had an early miscarriage in July 3 years ago, by October I was pregnant again and, well, you have me that baby (isn't she cute and active?). I will always remember that July though and how I felt then. So, wallow away and, if you feel like writing more, it really (really) helps and we are here to read you.

    Weird how the world of blogging brings a whole new set of family and friends eh!

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  2. I am so sorry you have to go thru this loss. Be kind with yourself, be gentle & allow yourself to greive & cry. It's a pain you'll carry in your heart for a long time, forever most likely tho not always so raw. I can identify with what you said about just knowing. With my 1st pregnancy that ended in m/c, I just knew. Everyone told me I was being negative & a worry wart...but I knew. Sending you peacful thoughts.

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  3. Thanks guys, yes I have cried heaps, and blogging is my therapy! I think the wallowing may be done, but there is still a lot of processing to go. I know that miscarriage is common, but even so I am amazed at the number of people that have contacted me to let me know that they went through the same thing, some are close friends and I never knew. It's good to share. Perhaps as and SMC it's different as I don't have the husband for support, but I really can't imagine how this would be if I were completely alone, without friends. Although I still find it odd that I share such intimate things online, blogging has bought me new friends and reconnected me with old ones and this time would have been so much harder without it. Thanks everyone, friends old and new, IRL and virtual. Your kind words mean a lot.

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  4. I'm so sorry for your loss. I had terrible headaches after my summer miscarriage. It was the sudden depletion of hormones. I had the same problem after giving birth. Thinking of you during this sad time.

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